Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

High-Level Diplomacy

“Goddamned heathens. Look at them.”

Mr. President, please.

“They’ve seen forks. I know they have.”

They’re just chopsticks, sir.

“I jam one of these up his nose, I take out his frontal lobe.”

Don’t do that.

“Of course not! Nixon is a master of diplomacy. I will radiate American strength, and if that means eating feet or lips or whatever this shit is with sticks: so be it. Nixon works for America, not for his own low urges.”


“I’d have these little bastards building a railroad if it was up to me.”


“Kissinger’s in his glory. His people love Chinese food.”


“There’s something about the Jewish soul that is incomplete.”

Stop talking.

“Never! Diplomacy, negotiation, back-and-forth: these are the ways the world keeps from burning. Even when we despise our conversational partners, we must talk to each other. Always keep talking. When open communication ceases, then rumor and paranoia fill the silence.”

That’s actually pretty good advice.

“You just need to remember that the person sitting across the table is a lying son-of-a-bitch.”

Also good advice. Are the Chinese onboard with your plan to annex the future?

“They’re all in. China is used to being the country of the future.”

Mr. President, aren’t you worried about the unexpected consequences of your actions?

“Of course, but I’ve foreseen all the possible outcomes. Played out the scenarios in my head. We will be victorious. Nixon, Elvis, the Chinese, a time machine: who can possibly interfere with our plans?

“I see you, Tricky Dicky.”

Goddammit, you’re back?

“I hear Trump in trouble, He my guy.”

I’m shocked to hear that.

“He steal my slogan.”

Which was?

“Make Only Korea Great Again.”

Doesn’t that imply that Only Korea is not currently great?

“Have slogan-writer and family executed.”

Wonderful. Stay out of this.

“I do what I want.”


1 Comment

  1. Luther Von Baconson

    January 16, 2017 at 11:53 am

    Dick was just pissed because he couldn’t get a B Dinner. Sweet ‘n’ Sour Chicken Balls with the glowing Pink Sauce, you see.

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