Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Hillary Clinton: The First 24 Days

Hillary Clinton was sworn in as the 45th President of the United States on January 20th, 2017. Her inauguration ceremony was attended by a sizable amount of people; neither Clinton nor her press secretary made any comment on the size of the crowd whatsoever except general positive pleasantries. The new president gave a speech that did not include the word “carnage,” and then a black guy talked about Jesus and then a white guy talked about Jesus and then Stevie Wonder sang. POTUS and Bill attended several parties that evening, and everyone forgot about the whole affair the next day.

The House Oversight Committee opened an investigation into President Clinton on January 21st, but the largest world-wide protest in history did not take place.

President Clinton began her work the next day; there were still many positions to fill in the White House, but a smooth and professional transition had eased her way into the job, as did her three decades of experience. She had the option of taking several days to accuse photographs of lying through misspelled tweets in the middle of the night, but chose not to do so.

The first week of any presidency is a trying one. President Clinton spoke on the phone with all of America’s allies without telling any of them to go fuck themselves, or hanging up on them. POTUS made plans to visit several foreign nations, and not one of those nations’ legislative bodies took a vote to say that she couldn’t come. On each day, the president worked well past 6:30 pm.

Another important task of any incoming president is choosing a cabinet. Mrs. Clinton chose several responsible and serious people to helm the executive agencies, plus a few party bigwigs getting their payoff, and a couple of the usual Wall Street assholes. She did not pick a woman who doesn’t believe in public schools, a man who thinks the Energy Department should be abolished, and a man too racist for the Republicans in the 80’s to lead the Departments of Education, Energy, and Justice. (Respectively.)

President Clinton did not go to the Hill and, in a private meeting with lawmakers, repeatedly use an ethnic slur to describe a sitting United States Senator. Nor did she tweet that another sitting Senator was a crybaby. Nor did she taunt movie stars who happen to be former governors, also by tweet. President Clinton’s Twitter feed has, if we’re being honest, been exceedingly boring.

On the 22nd day of her presidency, North Korea tested a new generation of ballistic missile. President Clinton did not receive the news at her country club, nor did she receive the news at a table in the middle of a ballroom filled with unvetted foreigners at her country club, nor did she receive the news with a Russian spy standing over her shoulder pointing an unsecured cell phone at the documents at a table in the middle of a ballroom filled with unvetted foreigners at her country club.

An unremarkable 24 days, filled with the usual squabbling and gridlock: life as usual, and no one walked around all day with his stomach on fire, terrified of what some maniac and his monsters will do next.


  1. oh, it would have been so nice. boring, sure, but very nice.

  2. So I’m trying to get the hash tags #traitortrump and #pissonhim to trend. I think the first one has a certain direct and to the pointness while the second one has a humorous double meaning.

  3. If only. Or Prez Sanders or nearly anybody

  4. What a nice dream. Thank you for that.

  5. You forgot Hillarys nominee for SCOTUS was blocked for eternity

  6. Luther Von Baconson

    February 15, 2017 at 6:16 pm


Leave a Reply to Lady Lightning Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published.