“Yes, that Grateful Dead, but don’t worry: I won’t burn your house down. That’s the other guy.
“But why would I even come to your house at all? Well, friends: I’d like to come and play some guitar for you, or you and your friends, or you and your sex dolls all set up on the couch like they were people. Do you have cats? I’ll play for them.
“I had some holes in my schedule and someone called and told me where my car is, so: hire me to come to your house and play guitar for you.
“Maybe you’ve noticed I have two guitars with me. If so: wow, good eye. You’ve impressed a Grateful Dead. Anyway, the two guitars represent the two different kind of guitars I could play when I come to your house. The acoustic guitar stands for an acoustic guitar, while the electric guitar has a terrible paint job. Is it supposed to look like an old Plymouth with primer paint on it? We’ll never know.
“So, I could play the acoustic guitar and sing some of my love ballads, such as Desperado or Take It To The Limit; or I could rock out some of my high-energy hits like Life in the Fast Lane. In between songs, I might tell a story or two about what an asshole Don Henley is. Who knows what fun we’ll have?
“Like I said: just a little bit of free time to fill, so call today. As you can see from the sweatpants, I’m losing my mind just a little over here.
“Oh, ah: last thing, sorry to even mention, but um…well: I’m a professional musician, y’know? Gotta get paid and when I come over and play for you is no exception.
“Last gigs I had were in Chicago and I got a million a night, so that sounds fair. Cash or I have one of those iPhone dealies you swipe your credit card in.
“Thanks for listening. Go Niners.”