Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Honey, Disconnect The Phone

“Ass!”

Hey, Billy.

“I should stay in the past more. Look how much hair I got.”

Mustache is looking well.

“Betcha can’t guess what I use to condition it.”

I totally can.

“Guess.”

Don’t want to.

“Pussy juice!”

I told you I didn’t want to.

“Was that what you guessed?”

Yes, Billy. Everyone guessed it.

“Gotta rub it in real good. Work down to the roots.”

Why must you be like this?

“I’m a man of sensuality!”

Ew.

“Recently discovered my prostate, and hoo boy is that sucker in the mix now. Need a girl with a strong thumb, so I been hanging out at video arcades.”

Please stop talking.

“Not gonna lie: I enjoy being milked.”

Jesus.

ACTUAL TELEPHONE NOISE

“Is that you?”

I haven’t owned an actual telephone in eight years.

“Oh, here’s the phone.”

“Weir here.”

“Is not Weir there. Is Billy Grateful. I know these things.”

“New phone. Who dis?”

“Is Putin.”

“From the Flaming Groovies?”

“Vat is Flaming Groovies? Vhy are everyone talking about Flaming Groovies?”

“Who’s this?”

“Putin. Vladimir Putin.”

“The Russian fucker?”

“Da.”

“You’re calling to book us, you gotta call Irving. Or Benjy. Call whoever my Jew is.”

“Putin is not calling to talk to Jews. Is calling for Billy Grateful. Ve have tapes of you, Billy Grateful.”

“Dirty shit?”

“Filthy.”

“Awesome. Can I get copies?”

“I do not understand?”

“I like to watch tape after I plow skank. Look for my weaknesses, where I can improve. And I also usually jerk it.”

“Nyet, nyet, nyet. This is blackmail.”

“For the skank?”

“Nyet! For you! You vill spy for Mother Russia, or ve vill release these dirty tapes.”

“Huh.”

“Pooty, lemme ask you something.”

“Do nyet call me Pooty.”

“How’s my wood?”

“Vood?”

“Wood.”

“Vood?”

“Goddammit, you foreign fuck: stop talking like a dracula! My boner! How’s my bone?”

“Oh! Is, uh, is strong bone.”

“Strong bone?”

“Da. Strong bone.”

“Release the tapes, asshole. God bless America.”

SLAMMING NOISE BECAUSE IT IS AN ACTUAL PHONE THAT CAN BE SLAMMED

Good for you, Billy.

“What?”

You’re a patriotic man.

“Nah, I just want everyone to look at my dick.”

Or that.

1 Comment

  1. I like this story line.

    He could blackmail bear with pictures of well just pictures.

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