Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

How To Be A Male Feminist*

Poor, poor Joss Whedon. Not just for his stupid name, but for the trouble he’s got himself into: the popular writer/director of Buffy and The Avengers, among other entertainments, has found himself in a pickle (entirely created by his own pickle). Long an outspoken champion of Women’s Lib, Whedon has been exposed by his ex-wife as a lowdown cheater–a liar and mistreater–who used his position of power to hump young hot chicks despite being a paunchy, balding, aging, ginger who was married at the time.

And, thus, the righteous fall.

But let’s say that, despite Joss’ missteps, you’d still like to be a Male Feminist. Let TotD help you navigate the treacherous waters of wokeness so that Twitter might not cancel you.

Shut the fuck up.

This is great advice across the board: everyone should shut the fuck up. But if you’d like to be a Male Feminist, then shutting the fuck up is even more paramount. For example, instead of starting a sentence with the phrase “As a Male Feminist,” you should shut the fuck up. Perhaps you have thoughts on the newest Roxanne Gay essay. Keep them to yourself and shut the fuck up.

“But, TotD,” you’ll say. “If I don’t tell people I’m a Male Feminist, then how will they know?”

And I will poke you in your eyes like Moe used to do to Curly, and then tell you once more to shut the fuck up.

Want women to know you’re a MF? Do feminist shit. They’ll notice, trust me. Hell, women might you give you credit for being a MF if you just don’t actively treat them like shit. Women are observant as hell.

And then, when a woman does notice and calls you a MF, say, “Yes, I suppose I am.” And then shut the fuck up.

Try not to cheat on your wife.

Like, try really hard. Or find a wife that lets you stick your dick in strange. Or–and here’s a wild thought–if you’re the type of dude needs to fuck someone new every couple weeks: don’t get married.

(There may be some men out there thinking this last piece of advice means don’t get caught, but it does not. You will get caught. Everyone always gets caught. Like I said: women are observant.)

Remember that some women are not white.

This one’s for the Female Feminists, too.

Don’t have an ex-wife.

This is also all-purpose advice. Out of all the kinds of wives to have, ex-wife is the worst. You’d rather have a dead wife than an ex-wife. So, I guess what I’m saying is–

Oh, please don’t.

–choose murder over divorce.

And you ruined it.

I do that.

Constantly.

It’s my superpower.

 

*Premise stolen from Mr. Completely , who is both my guy and my dude.

4 Comments

  1. swaggie maggie (now in college!)

    August 21, 2017 at 11:15 pm

    An observant female, here:

    TotD, my old friend, you are no doubt a Male Feminist.

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