Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

How To Improve Football

Fifth Down Each team gets one fifth down a game, so if you’ve been trying to get in the end zone from the two-yard line for three downs, instead of kicking on fourth, you could go for it.

Coach Series For one series each game, the head coach has to line up at a position. If Andy Reid dies, he dies.

Wombats On The Field There should be wombats on the field.

Drunken Punting To discourage punting, which is the lowest play one can call, every time a team does so, the punter takes a shot. (Or chugs a beer, as long as it’s Budweiser.) Speaking of punters…

Abolition Of Roughing The Punter/Kicker In fact, I would institute a bounty system. Every field goal would end with a tiny white guy with mismatched shoes being chased out of the stadium.

Wicker Manning On the game closest to Halloween, a giant wooden effigy of a Manning (it doesn’t matter which one) is lit at midfield; this will honor the football gods.

Bring Back Pat Summerall I know he’s dead; he’s still better than Joe Buck.

Mumbojumbotron Instead of close-ups and replays, the big screens at the stadium should show experimental films and stock footage.

Suits And Ties For Coaches This one’s not a joke: they all look like hobos.

Introduction Of Seppuku If you fumble, then you have to ritualistically disembowel yourself. A halfback may stand behind you and decapitate you so you die quickly.


  1. Luther Von Baconson

    October 4, 2016 at 7:18 pm

    i say get rid of it entirely. make it competitive Foley Artistry, compete for best dub. call it Footfall.

  2. Suits And Ties For Coaches This one’s not a joke: they all look like hobos.

    Couldn’t agree more

  3. I realize that professional sports are the ritualised combat that allow for a nation the size of ours to exist without regional armed conflict, I just don’t understand the appeal.

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