Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

How To Talk To A Woman Wearing Headphones

In these modern times, many women have figured out how to use the devices their fathers or brothers gave them for Christmas, and they pair them with headphones while walking about in public. Most likely, they are listening to Beyoncé.

This doesn’t mean you can’t talk to her.

Women are in public for two reasons: shopping and meeting men. 70% of women wearing headphones in public don’t even have music playing; they’re using those headphones much as a bowerbird uses shiny trinkets: to attract you. Let’s learn how to bother strangers!

WHAT TO DO TO GET HER ATTENTION

  1. Kick her in the shin.
  2. Smile.
  3. Make sure to give her enough space so she feels safe, after you’ve kicked her.
  4. When she looks at you, say with a confident tone, “Remove those at once. A man is speaking to you.”
  5. Kick her other shin.

Here’s how an imagined conversation using my patented* method for meeting women who are wearing headphones goes.

“Hey!”

“Hey!”

“Hey!”

“Yes? Me? What could you possibly–”

“LET ME PUT IT IN YOU. RIGHT HERE.”

“I’m going to mace you.”

“With your vagina?”

With just a little practice, you’ll be chatting up little lasses and feeling up teen foxes. But there are pitfalls! Watch out for these common mistakes when talking to women wearing headphones:

CONSIDERING THE IMPACT YOUR ACTIONS HAVE ON OTHERS, AND SOCIETY AS A WHOLE

Terrible decision! Just be confident! Smile and believe in yourself and do whatever the fuck you want to do at all times!

GIVING UP TOO EASILY

Persistence is key with women. Remember: “maybe” means “yes,” and “no” means “maybe,” and “Get the fuck away from me,” means “Touch my boobies.” Women want you to touch their boobies, even ones wearing headphones. Why would a women be in public unless she wanted her boobies touched?

LETTING THEM TALK

Remember, the reason you got her to take her headphones off is so she could listen to what you had to say. Her part of the conversation is laughing at your jokes. Don’t put up with any sass, especially during the first encounter: that will set a precedent, and she’ll be gabbing shrilly at you forever.

NOT BRINGING SEX INTO IT IMMEDIATELY

Fellows, let’s be honest: if we could just talk directly to the vagina, then we would; sadly, we are required to speak to the woman. Use suggestive language. Employ double entendre. Take it out.

NOT TAKING IT OUT

You should absolutely take it out.

 

*Patent pending.

1 Comment

  1. Dude. Get a chalkboard.

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