Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

How To Write About The Dead: A Deconstruction

This is the first paragraph, and I’ll do two things in it: establish my credentials as a hip and self-aware arbiter of musical taste, and make note of the fact that the Grateful Dead are giant suckbags and their fans should be rounded up, bathed, and shot. Maybe I’ll even be self-referential about it, who knows? I, the Working Music Critic, have been listening to neo-boxwave, soundtracks to Italian horror movies, and Kendrick Lamar. The Dead? [INSERT SENTENCE CONTAINING ONE ORE MORE OF THE FOLLOWING WORDS/PHRASES: 60’s, hippies, Baby Boomer, smelly, acid, tie-dye, jam.]

A  joke about how long the songs were goes here.

But now–and hold your hats–I shall reveal that even though my ear is perfectly attuned to the cool and that my record collection (vinyl or die, yo) is impeccably curated, I do enjoy the Dead. My older brother/cousin/buddy from marching band played me Europe ’72, and I’ve seen multiple iterations of the post-Garcia touring diaspora, and read several books about or by the band. Still, though: Dead suck and all their fans suck.

Here’s where I try to throw a little context at you: Nixon and Reagan usually get mentioned, and so the whole Rock scene of the 70’s, too. Probably going to quote from a book or two, pad out the word count. Capsule bio of the band? Could be. Nitrous reference? If we have time.

And now we get to the meat of the article, which is a review of the latest piece of Dead-related content that requires reviewing in the omni-ouroboros of today’s media ecology. Someone does a thing, and then someone writes about the thing, and then someone comments on the writing, and then someone gets outraged, and then someone writes a thing about the outrage. It all goes around, like morons in a clothes dryer.

In this paragraph, I apologize for enjoying the [movie/CD/book] and list the reasons why even you, a sane and righteous person who naturally despises the Grateful Dead, might enjoy the [movie/CD/book].

The National will be mentioned somewhere around here.

In conclusion, please check out the Grateful Dead, even though they are an embarrassment to the human race and also my favorite band.

p.s. Sorry that I like the Dead


  1. Yeah, this is pretty much one of the two articles written about the Grateful Dead in the 20th century (the other one is about the time you and your roommate went to the Spectrum in, like, 1986, and although you are both mortgage brokers now it totally informs your perception of interest rates in a deep way).

  2. Drum circles, spinners, [insert stereotypes here]. As noted philosopher Bill Walton said, “We are the luckiest people on the face of the earth.”

  3. Aimless noodling

  4. Perfectly lampoons the Salon article

  5. “I hate myself for reading that article”

  6. Mean, Green, Devil Eating Machine

    May 22, 2017 at 5:14 pm

    The best written, most articulate, most informative articles / books are “By Deadheads, for Deadheads!”.

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