This is the first paragraph, and I’ll do two things in it: establish my credentials as a hip and self-aware arbiter of musical taste, and make note of the fact that the Grateful Dead are giant suckbags and their fans should be rounded up, bathed, and shot. Maybe I’ll even be self-referential about it, who knows? I, the Working Music Critic, have been listening to neo-boxwave, soundtracks to Italian horror movies, and Kendrick Lamar. The Dead? [INSERT SENTENCE CONTAINING ONE ORE MORE OF THE FOLLOWING WORDS/PHRASES: 60’s, hippies, Baby Boomer, smelly, acid, tie-dye, jam.]
A joke about how long the songs were goes here.
But now–and hold your hats–I shall reveal that even though my ear is perfectly attuned to the cool and that my record collection (vinyl or die, yo) is impeccably curated, I do enjoy the Dead. My older brother/cousin/buddy from marching band played me Europe ’72, and I’ve seen multiple iterations of the post-Garcia touring diaspora, and read several books about or by the band. Still, though: Dead suck and all their fans suck.
Here’s where I try to throw a little context at you: Nixon and Reagan usually get mentioned, and so the whole Rock scene of the 70’s, too. Probably going to quote from a book or two, pad out the word count. Capsule bio of the band? Could be. Nitrous reference? If we have time.
And now we get to the meat of the article, which is a review of the latest piece of Dead-related content that requires reviewing in the omni-ouroboros of today’s media ecology. Someone does a thing, and then someone writes about the thing, and then someone comments on the writing, and then someone gets outraged, and then someone writes a thing about the outrage. It all goes around, like morons in a clothes dryer.
In this paragraph, I apologize for enjoying the [movie/CD/book] and list the reasons why even you, a sane and righteous person who naturally despises the Grateful Dead, might enjoy the [movie/CD/book].
The National will be mentioned somewhere around here.
In conclusion, please check out the Grateful Dead, even though they are an embarrassment to the human race and also my favorite band.
p.s. Sorry that I like the Dead