Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Howe About That?

gordie howe

Someone posted this in the Comment Section and it deserves to be seen in the largest frame: this is Gordie Howe, and he did not take steroids because they hadn’t been invented yet. (Well: they had, but only Commies were taking them.) Also: what the fuck was he trying to catch with that reel? Humpbacks?

Gordie was known for a lot of things, but the Gordie Howe Hat Trick is the best: that’s a goal, an assist, and a fight in one game. (Gordie actually only achieved a GHHT twice, and he wasn’t the first guy to do it, but it was named after him because people like naming things after famous athletes.)

But did you know that there were other hat trick varieties?

Garcia Hat Trick Burn down a hotel room, green room, and dressing room all in one day.

Wade Boggs Hat Trick A hit, a run, and 37 beers in one game.

Guy LaFleur Hat Trick A goal, an assist, and a compliment on his hair.

John Mayer Hat Trick 10,000 likes on Instagram, Snapchat, and Twitter on one post.

Mickey Hat Trick Drum solo, drum circle, and a free Dead shirt.

Leonid Brezhnev Hat Trick A goal, an assist, and a good eyebrow day in one Great Game.

Sincerely, though: my thoughts this night are with all hockey fans and Canadians and especially Dead archivist David Lamieuxrningdew. He was a fan of Mr. Hockey, and he and his wife Regina named two of their septuplets after Mr. Howe. (You remember the septuplets: Gordie, Girl Gordie, Northstar, Jean-Luc, Fleece, and the twins, Billie and Mickie.)


  1. Bobby Hat Trick: 1) Jean Shorts*, 2) Forgetting the Words to Truckin’**, and 3) Busted at the Canadian Border with Bee Pollen.**

    *This item can be substituted with 1) snake t-shirt with a pink Stratocaster, 2) yellow sunglasses, with a tie-dye, or 3) a polo shirt with a beard. No exceptions.

    **This item can easily be substituted with 1) a set ending falsetto “thank you”, 2) a localized verse in Minglewood, or 3) referring to the next song as “a ladies/drummers choice”.

    **This item cannot be substituted.

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