With the approach of Hurricane Irma, we are reminded again: no matter how bad nature is, people are worse. Lies and misinformation–yes, Enthusiasts, the dreaded fake news–have become so rampant that FEMA has found it necessary to issue a press release affirming or denying the rumors going around South Florida.

But, in case you don’t want to click on a government website for fear of getting deported, TotD has summarized the findings for you.

RUMOR: SUPER-POWERS

There are reports that Hurricane Irma will be granting super-powers to anyone standing directly in its path. This rumor is FALSE.

Hurricanes are not mutated spiders, nor secret corporate programs, nor radioactive waste. While there are many ways to acquire abilities far beyond the normal reckoning of mere mortals, hurricanes are not one.

RUMOR: NEW BEYONCÉ RECORD

Hurricane Irma has NOT dropped a guest verse on the new Beyoncé record; in fact, FEMA has confirmed with several music industry insiders that Beyoncé will not be releasing any new music until at least summer of 2018. This rumor is FALSE.

RUMOR: PETS IN SHELTERS

An article circulating online that states no pets will be allowed in shelters is FALSE. Emergency shelters are required by law to accommodate pets and service animals.

However, as this is Florida we’re dealing with, let’s make one thing clear: PETS. Normal human pets. Dogs, cats, birds. Properly caged lizards. You WILL NOT be permitted to bring in your alligator, ostrich, or the lion you bought from the drug dealer down the street. Similarly, sex gimps are NOT classified as pets under the law.

RUMOR: RUSH LIMBAUGH IS A SACK OF SHIT

As Mr. Limbaugh was claiming that Hurricane Irma was a hoax several days ago and just flew out on his private plane this morning, he is a figurative sack of shit. As his opiate addiction has likely left him incapable of voiding his muffin-filled intestines, he is a literal sack of shit. This rumor is TRUE.

RUMOR: THE FBI

We have been receiving calls about fraudulent FBI agents knocking on doors in South Florida.

Several things about this one:

  1. FBI does NOT stand for Female Body Inspector, regardless of what the supposed agent’s tee-shirt says.
  2. If FBI did stand for Female Body Inspector, than it would still be a government agency and therefore the agents wouldn’t be wearing a tee-shirt.
  3. Let alone the flip-flops and mesh shorts.

RUMOR: DRACULAS

This rumor is TRUE. There are going to be draculas all over the fucking place. Something about hurricanes attracts them; no one knows why. DO NOT INVITE THEM INTO YOUR HOME. Just show them your female body and shut the door.