Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Hurricane Supply Checklist

WATER

  • 6.35 drams per kilogram per person per fortnight, 4/5ths that if the person is abnormally short or just not thirsty.
  • Gallon a day for asshole-cleaning.
  • Gallon a day for pets, unless they are living cactuses.

ICE

  • Stop.
  • Preparate and listen.
  • Irma’s back and she’ll mast up your mizzen.
  • Word to your mother.

FOOD

  • 14 years worth of canned food.
  • At least a case of Magic Shell.
  • Shitload of chutney.
  • Ten boxes of dry cereal, but not Rice Krispies because no one needs that “Snap, crackle, and pop” bullshit when your roof’s caving in.
  • Powdered soup.
  • Milk dumplings.
  • “Steak.”
  • Sunflower seeds. (Minor league baseball teams only.)
  • Long pig.
  • Six (6) erotic cakes.
  • Avocado toast, if you’re a wasteful Millennial.

SUPPLIES

  • If at least two bedrooms in your home aren’t completely filled with D batteries, you’re gonna fucking die.
  • Flashlight.
  • Fleshlight.
  • Candles. (Jesus candles are preferable.)
  • Melee weaponry.
  • Ranged weaponry.
  • Solar-powered nightlight.
  • Tarps, unless you are sheltering at a Phish concert.
  • Duct tape.
  • Duck tape.
  • At least twelve (12) op-eds from regretful Trump voters.
  • Fire extinguisher.
  • Fire distinguisher. (“Yup, that’s a fire. Very easy to distinguish. The heat and the crackling noises give it away.”)
  • Allen wrenches in case the hurricane drops an Ikea on you.
  • Work gloves.
  • Opera gloves.
  • G. Love and Special Sauce.
  • Rope.
  • Soap.
  • Dope.
  • As much toilet paper as you think you’ll need, times two.

1 Comment

  1. You get long pig after the storm, not before…

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