The Sneaker Boys’ hero is Turtle from Entourage, so that should say something. Actual grown-up men don’t care about their tennis shoes: they try on one, make their decision, put the other one on, and ask the cashier to throw away the pair the came in with.
Sneaker Boys have gold chains, and they wear them outside their t-shirts, which are ironed and cost them $80 because some foreign homosexual who’s friends with a rapper sells it.
Sneaker Boys are all Asian guys into hip-hop, or fat guys with beards.
Sneaker Boys put genuine authentic ceder shoe trees in their sneakers, like they were actual shoes made of leather by a tiny Italian man in a dusty Manhattan shop that cost two grand, instead of some heat-molded plastic assembled by a Chinese child slave.
Save us from all these choices; remove these layers of variety; leave just the generic for me.