I Got Five On It

Hey, rich Enthusiasts! Go buy a guitar at a bowling alley! Bring cash, though, because Wolf’s going for over a million.

When Garcia died, Wolf went back to the guy who built it, Doug Irwin. (There was, as you might expect, lawyerly involvement in that transaction.) In 2002, he auctioned it and Tiger off: Tiger went to Jim Irsay for $850,000; an anonymous buyer spent $700,000 for Wolf. Even if the instrument hasn’t appreciated in perceived value–and it certainly has–it’s worth $950,000 now just due to inflation. Million-two sounds reasonable, doesn’t it?

Plus–and here’s the good part–all the money’s getting donated to the Southern Poverty Law Center. They track hate groups, and when they see one, they point and say, “Look! It’s hatred!” and the hate group calls them fascists for trying to shut down their free speech. They always need money, for they have no oil wells, and they need more money than ever lately.

I just wonder who’s owned it for these past fifteen year.

“Hey! I do! I’m the anonymous buyer man.”

Excuse me? Oh, for fuck’s sake, Jim.

“Who?”

I know it’s you.

“Nah, man. I’m a nonymous. I’m so fuckin’ nonymous.”

Has anyone fallen for this disguise?

“All my employees.”

Sure.

“You a smart fella. I like that. You wanna coach up my wide receivers?”

Could I telecommute?

“No.”

Pass.

“Your loss.”

So, wait. You’re the anonymous buyer? You don’t buy things anonymously. You buy things the opposite of that.

“Shit, yeah. People need to see my stuff. When I buy Wolf, I’m gonna throw a party. What’s that fat boy’s name always plays Tiger?”

Woody Hayes.

“Him, yeah. Have me a regular hippie hoedown in the Lucas Bowl of Oil Stadium Park or whatever the fuck the place is called.”

Hold on. You’re the owner.

“Fuckin’ A.”

And you’re going to buy the guitar?

“Got that right, chief.”

…

Tax thing?

“Bingo.”

Being rich is complicated.

“It does have its perks.”

True.

“Speaking of which, you want some percs?”

Yes, I do.

“Let’s get that hoedown started!”

I like you, Jim Irsay.

“Shh. Don’t say my name.”

Oh, right.