Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

I Have A Cunning Plan

There have been terrible ideas–invading Russia, Godfather III, reaching for Garcia’s candy–but they are pikers compared to these ten. Ah, I’m feeling mean: let’s go through them one by one.

1. Trey pulls out one of Jerry’s guitars made by Doug Irwin which is a stupid idea because Trafficjam plays his Laser Duck. Just like Eddie Van Halen played his red and white Frankenstein guitar, or B.B. King played Lucille, or Willie Nelson plays Trigger. Guitarists, more than other musicians, are all fanatically picky about their toys. (Except for punk rockers, who are fanatical about not being picky when it comes to their gear.)

2. Cameos! are a stupid idea because no one needs more people onstage who haven’t rehearsed. There were already 45 to 50 old white guys who hadn’t shown up for rehearsal; we cannot keep throwing musicians at this problem.

Also, Dylan? Sure, everyone wanted Branford to show up, but Dylan? Will he do that thing where he isn’t good? He has been for two decades now; no reason to think he wouldn’t have mumbled through a deep cut no one else knew in Chicago.

3. Tom Constanten! What! is a stupid idea because everyone was fine with TC leaving in the first place. TC is the Chuck Cunningham of the Dead.

4. A Phish song  is a stupid idea because it makes me want to strike you in your whore mouth. Fuck: they barely remembered the Dead tunes.

5. A New Cover is a stupid idea because (again) they barely remember the old cover tunes, and (again) rehearsal is for the hoi polloi, and (first time for this) the Dead’s choice in cover tunes towards the end of the run could be described as “obvious.” Satisfaction, Hey Jude…if Garcia had lived, they would have gotten to Like A Rolling Stone, I guarantee it.

6. A New Original Song is a stupid idea because how does one top Liberty? That’s the peak right there.

7. Hologram Garcia is a stup…ah, dammit: DO NOT MAKE HOLOGRAM GARCIA.

8 and 9. Something we didn’t think of/None of the above are stupid ideas because they’re clearly padding. These two entries are like the Ninth and Tenth Amendments.


There’s no ten. The entries aren’t numbered in the “article.”

It says that there’s ten entries in the title, but there aren’t and no normal human being would notice?


I think I respect them for that.

A little bit, yeah.


  1. Sir Luther Von Baconson

    July 16, 2015 at 5:34 pm

    i thought Cameos were a good idea. everyone like Menthol, no?

  2. Well you sure as heck can be confident I wouldn’t notice

  3. Well at least we didn’t retcon TC out of the band. He was at the Hall of Fame induction, while Garcia wasn’t, so that has to count for something.

  4. Sir Luther Von Baconson

    July 16, 2015 at 5:52 pm

    trey playing a guitar made by Professor Irwin Corey would have been cool

  5. i would have made a great mess in my pants had donna come out and wailed her part in the music never stopped…

  6. Whats Become of The Baby has to count for something.

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