Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

I Have A Cunning Plan

There have been terrible ideas–invading Russia, Godfather III, reaching for Garcia’s candy–but they are pikers compared to these ten. Ah, I’m feeling mean: let’s go through them one by one.

1. Trey pulls out one of Jerry’s guitars made by Doug Irwin which is a stupid idea because Trafficjam plays his Laser Duck. Just like Eddie Van Halen played his red and white Frankenstein guitar, or B.B. King played Lucille, or Willie Nelson plays Trigger. Guitarists, more than other musicians, are all fanatically picky about their toys. (Except for punk rockers, who are fanatical about not being picky when it comes to their gear.)

2. Cameos! are a stupid idea because no one needs more people onstage who haven’t rehearsed. There were already 45 to 50 old white guys who hadn’t shown up for rehearsal; we cannot keep throwing musicians at this problem.

Also, Dylan? Sure, everyone wanted Branford to show up, but Dylan? Will he do that thing where he isn’t good? He has been for two decades now; no reason to think he wouldn’t have mumbled through a deep cut no one else knew in Chicago.

3. Tom Constanten! What! is a stupid idea because everyone was fine with TC leaving in the first place. TC is the Chuck Cunningham of the Dead.

4. A Phish song  is a stupid idea because it makes me want to strike you in your whore mouth. Fuck: they barely remembered the Dead tunes.

5. A New Cover is a stupid idea because (again) they barely remember the old cover tunes, and (again) rehearsal is for the hoi polloi, and (first time for this) the Dead’s choice in cover tunes towards the end of the run could be described as “obvious.” Satisfaction, Hey Jude…if Garcia had lived, they would have gotten to Like A Rolling Stone, I guarantee it.

6. A New Original Song is a stupid idea because how does one top Liberty? That’s the peak right there.

7. Hologram Garcia is a stup…ah, dammit: DO NOT MAKE HOLOGRAM GARCIA.

8 and 9. Something we didn’t think of/None of the above are stupid ideas because they’re clearly padding. These two entries are like the Ninth and Tenth Amendments.

Ahem.

There’s no ten. The entries aren’t numbered in the “article.”

It says that there’s ten entries in the title, but there aren’t and no normal human being would notice?

No.

I think I respect them for that.

A little bit, yeah.

30 Comments

  1. Sir Luther Von Baconson

    i thought Cameos were a good idea. everyone like Menthol, no?
    http://www.cigarettespedia.com/images/5/50/Cameo_-Menthol-KS-20-H-Canada.jpg

    • maggiemay

      Stop trying to smuggle drugz into our god damn country

      • Sir Luther Von Baconson

        swayze express?
        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3JUHCvHsCMI

        • maggiemay

          HAHAHAHAHA THAT WAS GR8

          I’ve never actually seen that show, but it’s always coming up on my Netflix. My favorite show is definitely It’s Always Sunny. 😉

      • Sir Luther Von Baconson

        seen The Sunny a few times in passing, looks funny. don’t know much about Netflix can’t get it with my antennae & clicker.

        • maggiemay

          Oh man, it’s fucking hilarious. You’ve never seen anything like it. I am most definitely not their intended audience, but that really doesn’t stop me from watching this masterpiece of a show.

      • Sir Luther Von Baconson

        i think a few Aunts have Neflix. i’ll gorge on it if & when they invite me for a weekend. note to self: get those Restraint Orders sorted out. Aunts won’t want to miss Coronation Street though. if there’s conflicts i am S.O.L.

        thanks!

        • maggiemay

          HAHAHA I know the feel
          My sister just taught my mom how to use Netflix on the SmartTV and she’s begun binge-watching, and to our dismay.

          Dude, Netflix is a great investment. Not too expensive. Totally go for it if you can.

      • Sir Luther Von Baconson

        thanks! i need some good investments. you got tips about Hedge Funds, off-shore banking……Vintage Guitars?

      • Sir Luther Von Baconson

        now that’s the Vulgate

      • maggiemay

        @ all of u:

        F I T E M E

      • Sir Luther Von Baconson

        thanks! i’ll talk to Mitt even though i feel funny saying “Mitt”. Mitt makes me think of standing in left field chewing on Mitt laces, smelling & tasting the salty leather, waiting for something to happen, hopefully not in my jurisidiction or rainbow space. i think he’s here somewheres. maybe in one of these related links with the sepia font.

        • maggiemay

          I shit you not, my great aunt and late uncle used to live right across the street from Mitt’s Massachusetts home. Couple summers ago when we were back in Cape Cod my sister and I found his house, Amazon package waiting for him on the front porch and everything. He only lived there for like a month out of the year, though.

          Also during the 2012 election my dad made his profile picture a baseball mitt with a red circle and a slash through it as his way of “quiet protest.”

      • Sir Luther Von Baconson

        you & your dad are characters. god luv ya!

      • maggiemay

        It’s very nice to hear that — not the kind of compliment people get anymore these days. Thank you!

      • spencer

        I saw mitt in grand bend Ontario, and his hair was perfect

        • maggiemay

          Ugh god I love Mitt Romney so much he is my spirit animal & I connect with him on a spiritual level

          whenever I’m feeling bad about myself I think about Mitt and everything goes back to being alright

  2. maggiemay

    Well you sure as heck can be confident I wouldn’t notice

  3. SpamJam

    Well at least we didn’t retcon TC out of the band. He was at the Hall of Fame induction, while Garcia wasn’t, so that has to count for something.

  4. Sir Luther Von Baconson

    trey playing a guitar made by Professor Irwin Corey would have been cool
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UpLg7Ma-c4g

  5. cgrand

    i would have made a great mess in my pants had donna come out and wailed her part in the music never stopped…

    • maggiemay

      there are so many different ways to interpret this tho

  6. Boogaloo

    Whats Become of The Baby has to count for something.

    • dj5000000

      “What’s Become of the Baby?” actually counts for nothing. Truthfully, it counts for less than nothing. It subtracts.

      • Boogaloo

        Ayup.

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