Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

I Sewed Shut My Asshole…And Now I Sorely Regret It

When I first heard of the idea of sewing my asshole shut, I, like most people, thought it was a foolish idea. A week later, though, I happened to see a TEDx talk on the benefits of a sewn asshole. I was riveted.

I supported the procedure in dozens of articles, radio, and teevee appearances, even as everyone in my life said that I had to be kidding. As early as 2015, I wrote “there cannot possibly be a downside to lacing up your sphincter” and that it was “the smartest elective surgery” one could undergo. I believed that the sheer audacity of the move would be both balm and succor for all in these divided times, which is why I started a quarterly magazine entitled Asshole Affairs dedicated to promoting and defending my decision.

It is now clear my optimism was unfounded, and I should not have sewn my asshole shut. I thoroughly regret my decision and would strongly urge others considering the decision not to continue along their path. Far from making America great again, my actions have instead damaged my internal organs possibly beyond repair. I feel like I’m dying.

What did I see in sewing my asshole shut? I must now admit that I paid attention only to what I wanted, and discounted the many warnings from doctors, nurses, colleagues, and every single other person I know. The surgery would, I believed, save me, a person who went to Harvard, valuable time previously wasted in the bathroom. Financially, it was a no-brainer: thanks to Obama’s job-killing over-regulation, toilet paper is now the most expensive it’s ever been. No stains on your underwear, a cessation of flatulence, the list of positives went on forever.

Immediately after having my pucker zipped, I noticed that life was not, in fact, becoming great. When friends and family inquired, I would tell them that “it was early,” and “I’ve lived with a wide-open asshole for so many years; the transition is going to be a little shaky.”

But we are out of the transition. It is no longer early, and it is now clear that I was deluding myself. The body-wracking pains and gut spasms will not stop; they are, indeed, intensifying. Any time I thought I would save by no longer needing to poop has been replaced in treble by seizures and vomiting. As it turns out, everything my critics said was true.

I have seen the errors of my ways, but, perhaps, a bit too late and now I am completely and totally full of shit.


(After this jamoke.)


  1. I spent a chunk of time after work hate-Tweeting this moron. Fuck this guy. Once the SS Grab Her By The Pussy sailed, it was already too fucking late to disavow of Trump.

    An innocent human being had to die for this idiot to see what we were all telling him from the moment Cheetoh Hitler came down his gold escalator and called an entire national community rapists: No possible good can come of this.

    Fuck this guy, and fuck every single person who thinks they can get out now without the stink getting on them. It’s too late. It won’t wash out.

  2. This is all his little game of getting noticed, he gets noticed by liking Trump, now he get’s noticed by apologizing.

    He is about as sincere as Trump himself, I fear we will see more of this jerk.

  3. wow… never knew there is a home/about button!!! your best work yet … sadly we understand what you’re sayin!!!

  4. Luther Von Baconson

    August 18, 2017 at 11:18 am

    his pores will turn into Lil’ Assholes & he’ll end up shitting himself to death, you see

  5. Poetry – this is perfect.

    Disingenuous asshat. Acts shocked at the morally disgusting behavior of this week – cuz there’s never been morally disgusting behavior before right now….never….what?

    Total opportunist.

    Cathartic to laugh uproariously at this – thanks.

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