phil mickey tuxes

“Good evening, everyone. Welcome to the First Annual TotD Telethon. I’m Mickey Hart.”

“And I’m Bob Weir. Dammit, Bobby couldn’t make it! This was supposed to be rewritten!

“That’s right. It is a special evening. Let’s talk about some of the great work that TotD does, Bobby.”

“No! That’s incorrect! I’m Phil. Phil Lesh. Of the Grateful Dead!”

“Well, you’re the expert on shorts, Bob.”

“I’m not Bob! Stop calling me that!”

“For almost five years.”

“Mickey, stop reading from the script! Things have gone awry!”

“No, the government can’t help, Bob.”

“I’M NOT BOBBY!”

RUNRUNRUN

“Sure, Bobby, there will always be a Pakistan.”

Mick?

“Yeah?”

You need to stop reading the script.

“It wasn’t very good, anyway.”

No. Here–

SCRIBBLE SCRIBBLE SCRIBBLE

–read this.

“Thoughts on the Dead relies on donations from ENTHUSIASTS LIKE YOU to fund our important work. We’d like to continue telling the stories that the mainstream media is afraid of, and bringing readers the truth about essential topics such as the state of Billy’s dong, or what Dead show you should listen to, or the occasional terrible poetry.

“Or another trip down Route 77.”

“Why did I say that last part so dramatically?”

Shh.

“Are we promising things or holding beloved characters hostage?”

Quiet, you.

“I’m uncomfortable with this.”

Keep reading.

“What is this? ‘Give me money or Roy Head dies?’ I’m not reading this! It’s blackmail!”

Only emotional!

“Mickey out.”