Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

If I Could Turn Back Trump


“Hello, Georgia! I love the homosexuals of Atlanta!”



“What? I’m giving a–”

“Please hold for the President.”

“He’s starting to chap my ass.”

“Hold for him anyway, ma’am.”


“What the hell is wrong with you?”

“Oh, what now?”

“‘Homosexuals of Atlanta?’ What was that?”

“I came down here specifically to target the LGBTQ community of Atlanta! I brought Cher, and Nene Leakes, and Tyler Perry said he wouldn’t appear but he did send a big check.”

“Right, but you need to be a bit subtler about it. You’re going to Nevada tomorrow to talk to the maids and busboys, but you shouldn’t fucking say that out loud, either. Public positions and private positions, Hillary.”

“You’re hilarious.”

“I tried Podesta’s risotto, by the way. Needed more Satan.”

“Gonna enjoy watching you go insane from boredom after January, Barry.”

“Not as much as I’ll enjoy your term in office.”

“Suck on ’em, Muhammad. They’re hairy and hanging low, and you can suck right on ’em.”

“Keep your head down. Next three days: show up, wave, do that thing you call a smile, and let the celebrities do the talking.”

“I’m appearing with Kanye in Arizona.”

“Holy shit, don’t let Kanye do the talking. Now stop being weird. ‘Homosexuals of Atlanta.’ Seriously, what the fuck?”

“Well, what should I call them?”

“Your fellow Americans.”

“Even the lesbians?”

“Hillary, y’know, I think you’re gonna be President. Despite yourself, I think you’re going to occupy the Oval Office come January.”

“Thank you, Mr. President.”

“So what I’m gonna do now is start hiding fish and chicken and other meat in the walls, so by the time you get here it smells like John Boehner’s asshole.”

“Good for you.”

“And then I’m gonna find Joe Biden and slap him silly for not running. I know he had some very good personal reasons for not doing it, but at this point I just don’t give a shit.”

“Mm-hmm. Are we done?”

“Nope. Three more days.”

“Thank God. Oh Mr. President: has anyone found out that I paid that guy to cause the disturbance at the Trump rally tonight?”

“Did you just say that to me on a fucking cell phone?”

“It’s fine: it’s Cher’s. Actually, it’s Gregg Allman’s, but he’s trustworthy.”

“You’re killing me.”


  1. You don’t usually have a blatant punch line.

    Oh yeah, not to be any kind of way, but, fuck Greg Allman. He had no respect for the Grateful Dead and hated the deadheads. I’d have no time for him if he wasn’t “untrustworthy”.

  2. He preached anti- drug use, at a Bonnaroo I saw, and Woody, he just stood there.

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