Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

If Only We Had Been Warned

“General, I have to protest.”

“On what grounds, Jenkins?”

“Sanity. Precedent. The warnings of fiction.”

“None of those are acceptable grounds now that the Trump Doctrine is in effect.”

“And what is the Trump Doctrine, sir?”

“We’re the bad guy now.”

“Put very succinctly, sir.”

“Hence, the deathbots. Look at him. Majestic. Go make friends, Jenkins.”

“Sir, I’m not getting anywhere near that thing.”

“Poppycock! He’s your new partner. I reassigned you both to the Military Police.”

“That’s not how the Army works, sir.”

“I’ll give you first choice: do you want to be the loose cannon or the uptight one?”

“Sir, I do not want to be in any sort of buddy-cop situation with the armed robot.”

“Jesse Owens didn’t karate kick Hitler so you could refuse to partner up with a robot, Jenkins.”

“I’m just going to pivot to a new topic, sir, and it is this: why have you given the robot guns?”

“He kept dropping the machetes.”


“Then they fitted him with a grenade launcher.”

“Is that what happened to the Motor Pool?”

“Can’t make an omelette without blowing up a few jeeps, Jenkins. The pistols seem to be working out.”

“How does it know who to shoot?”

“How does anyone know who to shoot, Jenkins? You just get a feeling in your gut.”

“Yes, sir, but this is a robot. It doesn’t have a gut.”

“Well, I suppose the nerds will whip up something. Looters?”

“Looters, sir?”

“It could shoot looters, I suppose.”

“Or the super-advanced robots could help in some way.”

“Not as cool.”

“Sir, this is terrible idea.”

“You’re frightened of the future, Jenkins!”

“If this is the future, then: yes. Yes, I am afraid of this future.”

“Well, you’ll be out of a job. No more need for soldiers.”

“Then there won’t be any need for generals, either.”

“No robot could do what I do, Jenkins!”

“What do you do, sir?”

“Tell the robots who to shoot.”


“Technically, I tell the nerds who tell the robots. Chain of command, Jenkins. That’s what the military is. Generals, nerds, robots. That’s the order.”

“Just like the Roman Legions, sir.”

“Stuff your sass in your shorts. This is a brave new world. Can you imagine what one of these babies would do in Afghanistan?”

“Require a three-person maintenance team and malfunction the second the weather got bad?”

“You’re a pessimist, Jenkins. And they require four-person maintenance teams.”

“Sir, why don’t we just those four people guns?”

“Because then who would fix the robot?”

“We wouldn’t need the robot.”

“Jenkins, you just don’t get it.”

“No, sir.”


  1. Mean, Green, Devil Eating Machine

    April 17, 2017 at 10:40 am

    Better thems than putting a guitar in it’s arms?

    Maybe not. Add a Steven Hawking voicebox to the gitbox, and, we could be tawkin’ some heavy metal!

  2. SmokingLeather

    April 17, 2017 at 1:39 pm

    Re: hologram Garcia, Do not make robot Garcia either.

  3. Luther Von Baconson

    April 17, 2017 at 7:27 pm

    that’s a curious shed.

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