PRESS RELEASE FROM THE OFFICE OF SENATOR ULYSSES J. FLYSWATTER
Praise Jesus, my fellow Americans, and also President Trump.
The reports in this mornings Washington Post regarding Senate candidate Billy Most are troubling in the extreme. If the allegations regarding the marching band are true, I would see no way forward with his candidacy. However, I warn against witch hunts. All the facts are not in as of yet, and we live in a country where people are considered innocent until proven guilty.
All accusations of this type must be looked at with the greatest of concentration, and the brave individuals who have come forward to make them should be commended. If it turns out that those skins found tanning in Mr. Most’s basement truly do belong to the woodwind section, then I would have serious reservations about accepting him as a colleague in this august house of law. It should be remembered, though, that DNA analysis of the skins have not come back and will most likely be lost somewhere along the chain of evidence. We may never know exactly what happened here; it might turn out to be a “he said/marching band said” situation.
A suspicious eye must also be turned–in the interest of fairness–to the timing of this story. That band disappeared ten years ago. Why does the Post print these allegations right before the election? Attention must also be paid to the issue of consent. As none of us were in what the lying media is referring to as “the basement of horrors,” none of us know whether or not the trumpet section agreed to be buried alive.
I close with one of my favorite passages from the Bible, which is my favorite book: Let he who has never dismembered, eaten, and worn a marching band cast the first stone. Jesus said that.
God bless America.