I’m A Groundhog For You, Baby

Hey, Punxatawny Phil. Whatcha doing?

“I fucking hate you.”

What did I do?

“You human?”

Mostly.

“Then I fucking hate you. What is this bullshit?”

It’s Groundhog Day. The groundhog leaves his hutch or nest or whatever, and if he sees his shadow, then we have six more weeks of winter.

“That’s the dumbest fucking thing I’ve ever heard, and my brother-in-law is a libertarian.”

It’s a tradition.

“So was raping your slaves.”

I think you’re overreacting.

“Dude. I was sleeping. How would you like it if you were dead asleep and some tuxedo’d asshole yanked you out of bed and waved you around in front of a crowd of shivering yokels?”

I wouldn’t like that.

“No, you wouldn’t. I’m gonna bite as many motherfuckers as I can. I’m biting dicks. Fuck being a woodchuck, I’m a dickchuck.”

A dickchuck?

“How much dick would a dickchuck chuck if a dickchuck could chuck dicks?”

A dickchuck would chuck all the dick he could chuck if a duckchuck could chuck dicks.

“Fuckin’ A.”

Can’t you try to have fun with it? It’s a party.

“Yeah, it’s a party all right: and I’m the pinata. There is NO consent here, asshole.”

Please don’t–

“HASHTAG ME TOO.”

–bring the MeToo thing…you went there.

“Do you do this to anyone else?”

What?

“‘Celebrate’ them by dragging them out of their resting place? Is this what you do on Martin Luther King Day? Dig the fucker up, shake him around, and declare six more weeks of White Supremacy?”

That’s a terrible image.

“Suck my dick. All primates can suck my dick.”

Even chimps?

“Especially chimps. They have weird asses.”

True. C’mon, man, can’t you get into it at all? I mean: did you see your shadow?

“I did. I did see my shadow. Would you like to see it, too.”

I think I see what’s coming.

Yup. I saw what was coming.

“Fuuuuuuuuuuuck you and your whole species, you fucking mamaluke.”

People don’t call each other “mamaluke” enough any more.

“Don’t try to get on my good side.”

Okay. See you next year?

“Yeah, yeah. Go Eagles.”