You want that? It sounds like a punishment.
RACHEL MADDOW IS A BREATH OF FRESH AIR.
Possibly. What is this about now?
DONALD TRUMP IS GETTING MORE ATTENTION THAN I AM.
Train wrecks draw a crowd, yeah. You’re in it for the long haul, I thought. You said you wanted to be about issues.
I HAVE CHANGED MY MIND. I WOULD LIKE LARGE CROWDS OF MORONS TO CHEER ME ON.
I disagree with this strategy.
YOU ARE NOT A POLITICAL ANIMAL. POLITICAL LEE, MY CAMPAIGN MANAGER, IS.
You say “campaign manager” as if that somehow made her not a member of the Lee clan.
THE LEES ARE WONDERFUL PEOPLE.
Insanity is sewn into that lining, if you follow me.
I CHOOSE NOT TO. SHE SAYS THAT IF I WANT TO GO NEGATIVE, THERE ARE A NUMBER OF CHOICES.
I COULD FOLLOW TRUMP’S NATIVISM. I HAVE BEEN PRACTICING.
Let’s hear it.
THIS IS ALL THEIR FAULT.
You’re gonna need to be more specific.
TRUMP HAS THE MARKET ON BLAMING MEXICANS CORNERED. THERE IS NO MORE JUICE LEFT IN THAT BERRY. I TRIED TELLING PEOPLE THAT CUBANS WERE TO BLAME, BUT THEY WERE NOT BUYING IT.
Cuba is so hot right now.
THERE HAS NOT BEEN A CONVERSATION BETWEEN TWO WHITE PEOPLE IN THE PAST SIX MONTHS THAT DID NOT TOUCH ON THEIR SHARED DESIRE TO VISIT CUBA BEFORE IT GETS RUINED.
I might have had one or two of those.
YES. I SAID TERRIBLE THINGS ABOUT THE FRENCH, BUT PEOPLE JUST LAUGHED THE MEANER I GOT.
People aren’t scared of France. What are they gonna do, have a transit strike at us? Plus, the French aren;t coming here even in Roger Ailes’ wettest dreams.
THERE MUST BE AN OTHER FOR PEOPLE TO BE AFRAID OF. IMMIGRANTS STEALING JOBS. HOMOSEXUALS TAKING MARRIAGES. TRANSGENDERED PEOPLE TAKING SHIT NO LONGER. THE MASSES MUST BE TERRIFIED.
BUT THE IMMIGRANTS ARE NOT HERE TO STEAL. THEY ARE HERE TO DO JOBS NO ONE WANTS TO DO AT WAGES THAT ENABLE THE AMERICAN WAY OF LIFE TO GLIDE SILENTLY THROUGH A WORLD OF TROUBLE WHILE STARING AT ITS PHONE.
I was told they were here for our freedom and women.
FREEDOM CANNOT BE SENT HOME VIA WESTERN UNION. ALL ACQUISITIONAL EMPIRES ARE BY NECESSITY BALANCED ATOP AN UNDERCLASS THAT LABORS WHILE THE CITIZENS PLAY. THE SPARTANS HAD HELOTS; THE BRITISH HAD INDIA; AMERICA HAD AFRICAN SLAVES, THEN CHINESE COOLIES, AND NOW MEXICANS AND CENTRAL AMERICANS. HOW DOES SOCIETY TREAT THOSE WITH NO POWER? AS MEN OR AS KINDLING?
AS A NATIVIST, PERHAPS. I DO NOT BELIEVE I WOULD BE ABLE TO STICK TO THE SCRIPT.
Maybe you could be a religious type.
WHAT WOULD MY VIEWS BE, THEN?
Against abortion, but for the death penalty.
IF A HUMAN BRAIN WAS TO ATTEMPT TO HOLD THOSE THOUGHTS SIMULTANEOUSLY, IT WOULD EXPLODE.
You’d think. And, yet…
PERHAPS RELIGIOSITY IS NOT FOR ME.
Well, if you want to be president of this here country, you’re gonna have to fake the God thing a little.
I DABBLE IN BUDDHISM.
I should have been more specific about which God I meant, I guess.
SHALL I REFUSE MY LESSONS TO THE FOOLISH? MEET ONLY WITH THE POOR, AND THE SICK, AND THE BROKEN?
Don’t do any of those things.
WHEN SHOULD I GIVE MY SPEECH DEMANDING MY SUPPORTERS SELL THEIR POSSESSIONS AND DEDICATE THEIR LIVES TO ME, AND MORE IMPORTANTLY, TO ONE ANOTHER?
THESE ARE THE THINGS THAT JESUS PREACHED. HE WAS PLAIN-SPOKEN ABOUT THEM, AS OPPOSED TO THE MUSTARD SEED STORY. I STILL DO NOT QUITE GRASP THAT ONE.
We’re talking about two different Jesuses. Jesuses? Jesuses.
THAT DOESN’T SOUND RIGHT.
THAT SOUNDS LESS RIGHT.
Whatever. You’re talking about the actual Bible Jesus. Presidents need to believe in American Jesus.
IS AMERICAN JESUS THE ONE BLESSING THE TROOPS?
AND HE IS A CAPITALIST?
SO: NOT JESUS AT ALL, THEN?
AMERICAN CHRISTIANITY SEEMS MORE LIKE A BRAND THAN A STRICT ETHOS AT THIS POINT.
Again: things you must not say on the campaign trail. Also, buddy: you got a wife you been hiding?
I AM NOT MARRIED.
Never found the right gal?
I AM A WALL.
That truly does not matter in this instance: you wanna be president, we gotta marry you off.