It is not in the answers to certain questions that we find illumination, Enthusiasts, but in the process of answering. That is to say I fear that by the end of this small essay, we will be no closer to the truth than when we began: it will end in tears and confusion. But we struggle forward, laden with the past. To not try is the lazy death, Enthusiasts, so soldier with me tonight. Let us ask a question.
Is Gronk now a Grateful Dead or a Beatle?
First, let us list our disprovals: Gronk cannot be a Beatle because while there was a Fifth Beatle, Gronk is so large as to be the Fifth, Sixth, and Seventh Beatles. Gronk can likewise never be a Grateful Dead because he is Polish, and Poles cannot be Grateful Deads. (I don’t make the rules.) Gronk can therefore be neither a Beatle nor a Grateful Dead.
Or can he?
Many will say that Gronk is a Grateful Dead by simple dint of nationality, and moreover by temperament: both Gronk and the Grateful Dead are not just American, but so American it verges on satirical. Further like a Grateful Dead, Gronk flies to terrible cities in the dead of winter to abuse his body in front of paying crowds. Gronk is also very much in line with the Grateful Dead’s thinking on tuggers. (They are both pro-tugger.)
Could Gronk be a Beatle, though? The Beatles were adept at multiple forms of music, rather than only being able to do literally one thing like the Dead; this is akin to the job a tight end performs. Gronk is very white, and the Beatles were very white. (The Grateful Dead were very white, but nothing like the Beatles. Rich British people are by definition whiter than everyone else, because that’s what white originally meant.)
TotD officially declares Gronk a free agent, and he may sign with any legacy act he chooses.
That was a complete waste of everyone’s time.
Or was it?