Just for Trey?

“I hate you. This is a Photoshop.”

What does the card actually say?

“Washing instructions for the unicorn onesie.”

I would have assumed you didn’t need washing instructions.

“I use them as a launching pad, yknow? They’re the map, but I’m free to go on side quests or little day trips to stain-removalville or wherever.”

How’s the show going, anyway?

“No idea. Between the snapchatting and selfie-sessions with randos, I haven’t been paying attention. Also all the weird bullshit.”

Yeah, I’m sorry for that.




“We meet again, John Darling!”


“No, not mothers. Fathers, brothers, uncles, nephews. Not mothers, except occasionally and only the ones with giant tits.”

“You’re being inappropriately sexual, Freddie.”

“Darling, I am Freddie Mercury at a party.”

“Okay, you’re being legendarily sexual.”

“Better, thank you. Come to Freddie, darling. Remove my white jeans.”

“You are the only person who’s ever successfully pulled off white jeans.”

“Oh no: you’ll be quite successful in pulling them off, I assure you.”


“I’ll help if they get stuck on my hips.”


“Oh, fine: I’ll do it myself.”

“Put your pants back on, Freddie Mercury.”

“After we’re done, absolutely.”


“You said you were gay for Trey. Are you ready for Freddie?”

“Freddie. Freddie? Freddie!”





John Boy?

“I just wanted to take drugs and see a band.”

But now you have a story to tell.

“I’m not participating in this anymore. I’m calling my lawyer.”

Ooh, I can’t wait to see who that is.