mayer

Just for Trey?

“I hate you. This is a Photoshop.”

What does the card actually say?

“Washing instructions for the unicorn onesie.”

I would have assumed you didn’t need washing instructions.

“I use them as a launching pad, yknow? They’re the map, but I’m free to go on side quests or little day trips to stain-removalville or wherever.”

How’s the show going, anyway?

“No idea. Between the snapchatting and selfie-sessions with randos, I haven’t been paying attention. Also all the weird bullshit.”

Yeah, I’m sorry for that.

“Really?”

No.

freddie-mercury-phish-4

“We meet again, John Darling!”

“Motherfucker.”

“No, not mothers. Fathers, brothers, uncles, nephews. Not mothers, except occasionally and only the ones with giant tits.”

“You’re being inappropriately sexual, Freddie.”

“Darling, I am Freddie Mercury at a party.”

“Okay, you’re being legendarily sexual.”

“Better, thank you. Come to Freddie, darling. Remove my white jeans.”

“You are the only person who’s ever successfully pulled off white jeans.”

“Oh no: you’ll be quite successful in pulling them off, I assure you.”

“Freddie.”

“I’ll help if they get stuck on my hips.”

“Freddie.”

“Oh, fine: I’ll do it myself.”

“Put your pants back on, Freddie Mercury.”

“After we’re done, absolutely.”

“Done?”

“You said you were gay for Trey. Are you ready for Freddie?”

“Freddie. Freddie? Freddie!”

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(EDITOR’S NOTE: IMAGE REDACTED.)

John?

Johnny?

John Boy?

“I just wanted to take drugs and see a band.”

But now you have a story to tell.

“I’m not participating in this anymore. I’m calling my lawyer.”

Ooh, I can’t wait to see who that is.

“Goddammit.”