Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

In Which Godwin’s Law Is Invoked

They won, though. We–well, I–have been hornswoggled, Enthusiasts; we have stuck our dicks in a pig in a poke. To make a list of the sort Pitchfork did is in essence an act of trollery; its success lies in getting dummies (like me) angry enough to engage with the damned thing, and by that metric, the piece did well.

It should be noted at this point that several of the authors of this list are FoTotD’s, and none of my ire is directed at them or their prose, which was taut and snappy. They bear no responsibility for this horror, much like Erwin Rommel–

NO!

–was the good–

DON’T! STOP IT. Do not compare people to Nazis.

I’m using the Rommel Exception.

There is no Rommel Exception. That’s not a thing just because you capitalize it. Don’t compare anyone to Nazis, even the good ones.

Cannot disagree more with you on this: I would kill to be likened to Rommel.

You’re a sociopath. Don’t compare people to Nazis.

May I continue?

It depends. Will the Nazi-comparing continue?

No.

What was the plan?

List of lists about the Grateful Dead.

Oh, right: this site is about the Dead.

And it’s meta. List about lists.

You love meta.

Easier than coming up with a logical throughline.

Totes. Okay, champ: do your skitch.

Danke. In honor of Pitchfork’s Top 200 of the 70’s list–and all the others like it–TotD now presents Grateful Dead-Related Lists I Won’t Be Compiling Or Reading:

  • Top 500 Dicks Billy’s Punched. (Lot of big names: Lyle Alzado, Bronson Pinchot, Mark-Linn Baker, etc.)
  • 50 Meanest Things Phil Said To Vince.
  • Top 221 Times Garcia Whiffed The Lyrics To Franklin’s.
  • Top 519 Times Bobby Pooched The Lyrics To Truckin’.
  • 100 Best Rando Beatings.
  • 200 Most Expensive Times Mickey Began Referring To Himself As Lobsterface And Rampaged Through A Sporting Goods Store.
  • 500 Best Tuggers I’ve Ever Gotten, written by the Grateful Dead you are assuming wrote it.
  • Garcia’s Solos, Ranked.
  • Bobby’s Shirts, Ranked.
  • Skank, Ranked.
  • Top 200 Times The Van Left For The Airport Without Brent.
  • Top 1000 Words In Grateful Dead Songs. (“River” scores highly at number 8, while “plantain” did not make the list at all; nor did “viscera” or “plebiscite.”)
  • 100 Best Jams (Without Any LInks).

4 Comments

  1. 100 Best Jams (Without Any LInks).

    Kinda says it all.

  2. did you get to use Bronson Pinchot in a post.. Bravo.

  3. Thinking about Pitchfork.. I know you all have moved on. But Rick Derringer and myself have not moved on.

    Those authors do not understand the 70’s.

    Mexican Dirt Weed, barbituates, Angel Dust, Cocaine, Fake Opium, bad hash, and Qualudes. Say them all together, as a mantra and feel the 70’s music starts to fall into place. Year of the Cat, Frankenstein, rock and Roll Hootchy fuckin Coo, Foghat, Bad Company, it all fits. Lady Fuckin Marmalade even makes sense but only from a 70’s perspective. A perspective that Pitchfork fails to grasp.

    Once you get your mind right, it all fits.

    “All the Young Dudes”, “White Punks on Dope” they may not be great songs, but they are great 70’s songs. Foghat, Bad Company, Rick Derringer, Edgar Winter I could go on.

    Big Stars.. Thirteen !!! WTF ?
    Thirteen is one of my favorite songs.. But it is not a fucking 70’s song. Frankenstein is one of my least favorite songs, but it is absolutely a 70’s song.

    That Dolly Parton song (and half of the songs on the list) could have come from any of the last 7 decades. But only the 70’s could bring us Burning Love, Free Ride, Love to Love You, We’re an American Band, Cut the Cake, Year of the Cat, Be My Lover, and Frankenstein.

    Those songs belong to the decade and the decade belongs to them. It takes someone dummer, more messed up and sloppy, who gives less fucks than anyone at Pitchfork to recommend a good 70’s song.

  4. I, for one, would love to see a Top 10 Bobby shirts list. Snake shirt is def #1. Seva’s up there. Mt. Tamalpais Chiefs. Hell, I’d even put Let Trey Sing at #9.

    http://www.dead.net/sites/default/files/u119/BobCanal.jpg

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