Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Inappropriate Hats For Sex

  • Baseball cap with comically-elongated bill. (You will keep bopping your partner in the forehead, or back of head, or underside of chin, or several other places.)
  • Diving helmet.
  • During sexual activity only one partner may wear a giant sombrero; there is no position which allows dual-sombrerofication.
  • Mickey Mouse-eared felt skullcap with “CHILD” stitched across the front in gold cursive.
  • Your partner’s head.
  • Your neighbor’s head.
  • Alex Trebek’s head.
  • (Although let’s be honest: if you’re going to wear a head for a hat, then you’re going to have sex while you’re doing it.)
  • Beanie with propeller. (Dangerous.)
  • Toque infested with ebola. (Dangerous for a different reason.)
  • Hattie McDaniel.
  • Papal mitre.
  • Dry-cleaner’s bag secured around your neck with three or four rubber bands.
  • Wearing a Native American war bonnet during sex is not only inappropriate, but also appropriative, and doing so will bring approbation.
  • If you have dogs, then you should not have sex in a beret made of spaghetti; the dogs will try to eat your hat, and thus distract you from your lovemaking.
  • On the other hand, spaghetti berets are a great idea if you don’t have a dog
  • You get hungry after lovemaking?
  • Boom.
  • Spaghetti is waiting for you.
  • I don’t know where the spaghetti sauce would be: maybe you would keep it in your butt, or just on the nightstand.
  • One of these fuckers:
  • And every time your partner does something you find sexually pleasing, you pull the string and make the little clappy hands go back and forth.
  • That would get demoralizing very quickly.
  • The Crown of Mansour, world of forest and fuel, second most powerful possession of the Felis Empire; your machinations have failed, Princess Vanquo, and you will never be Regent!
  • If you have an astronaut helmet on, then you can pretend that your zipper is an airlock, but it’s very impractical headgear for having boogie time.


  1. Have you read Steven Hawking’s paper on N-Dimensional-sombrerofication?

    He gets a lot of credit for physics, but he writes decent erotica as a hobby.

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