Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Inappropriate Hats For Sex

  • Baseball cap with comically-elongated bill. (You will keep bopping your partner in the forehead, or back of head, or underside of chin, or several other places.)
  • Diving helmet.
  • During sexual activity only one partner may wear a giant sombrero; there is no position which allows dual-sombrerofication.
  • Mickey Mouse-eared felt skullcap with “CHILD” stitched across the front in gold cursive.
  • Your partner’s head.
  • Your neighbor’s head.
  • Alex Trebek’s head.
  • (Although let’s be honest: if you’re going to wear a head for a hat, then you’re going to have sex while you’re doing it.)
  • Beanie with propeller. (Dangerous.)
  • Toque infested with ebola. (Dangerous for a different reason.)
  • Hattie McDaniel.
  • Papal mitre.
  • Dry-cleaner’s bag secured around your neck with three or four rubber bands.
  • Wearing a Native American war bonnet during sex is not only inappropriate, but also appropriative, and doing so will bring approbation.
  • If you have dogs, then you should not have sex in a beret made of spaghetti; the dogs will try to eat your hat, and thus distract you from your lovemaking.
  • On the other hand, spaghetti berets are a great idea if you don’t have a dog
  • You get hungry after lovemaking?
  • Boom.
  • Spaghetti is waiting for you.
  • I don’t know where the spaghetti sauce would be: maybe you would keep it in your butt, or just on the nightstand.
  • One of these fuckers:
  • And every time your partner does something you find sexually pleasing, you pull the string and make the little clappy hands go back and forth.
  • That would get demoralizing very quickly.
  • The Crown of Mansour, world of forest and fuel, second most powerful possession of the Felis Empire; your machinations have failed, Princess Vanquo, and you will never be Regent!
  • If you have an astronaut helmet on, then you can pretend that your zipper is an airlock, but it’s very impractical headgear for having boogie time.

2 Comments

  1. Have you read Steven Hawking’s paper on N-Dimensional-sombrerofication?

    He gets a lot of credit for physics, but he writes decent erotica as a hobby.

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