Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Interview With An Unicorn

jm-phish-unicorn-fan

“Sellllfie.”

“Have you always done that? The ‘sellllllfie’ thing?”

“I’m sorry. Who am I speaking to?”

“Me, the guy you’re taking a picture with.”

“Randos don’t get speaking parts.”

“I’m not a rando. I’m Randy. Radio Randy from SiriusXM.”

“The Tom Petty station?”

“No, then I would be Tom Petty.”

“So there’s a Radio Randy station?”

“John, focus.”

“On what?”

“The interview. Thanks for coming on the show.”

“The what?”

“We’re on in three, two–”

“I don’t even see any equipment. Why does this always happen?”

“–one. Hey, folks! We’re back with John Mayer. John, you used to sing prom songs and bang pop stars. Now you’re tripping balls at a Phish show dressed as a unicorn.”

“What’s your question?”

“No question. I just wanted to point that out.”

“Rando–”

“Randy.”

“–I am not really in an ‘interview’ headspace right now.”

“Great. Let’s take a call.”

“What?”

“Bob from Vegas, you’re on the air with Radio Randy and John Mayer, who is ripped to the tits on acid in a gay hoodie.”

“Oh, uh, hey. Long time caller, first time something else.”

“Bobby?”

bobby-hween-costume-1

“Yup. I have a question for Josh. Josh, did I leave my glasses in your hotel room?”

“Tour’s been over for two months, Bobby.”

“Ah.”

“Have you checked the top of your head?’

“There ya go. Do we have time for a quick tale of the bunkhouse?”

“Bobby, this is Radio Randy. I’d love to hear about the bunkhouse, but this is really John’s storyline.”

“Who?”

“Josh.”

“Gotcha. Get me if Elvis shows up. Love that guy.”

DIAL TONE NOISE EVEN THOUGH APPLE WATCHES HAVE NEVER DONE THAT

“We’re back with John Mayer, who has donned a onesie he bought on the internet and taken so much LSD that his eyeballs are halfway down his neck, and is now riding the rail at a Phish concert.”

“I just want to leave my house without everything getting all weird.”

“And I want a last name, but apparently I’m just ‘Radio fucking Randy’ like some kind of dog. Racist son-of-a-bitch that types this bullshit is so damn lazy. We’ve got a call from Florida.

FUCK YOU, RADIO RANDY!

“FUCK YOU, LAZY ASSHOLE!”

Why are you even recurring?

“Because you’re a mouthbreather that thinks Radio Randy is a funny name, you waste of potential.”

FUCK YOU.

“FUCK YOU. I’m hanging up!”

Bababoo–

DIAL TONE NOISE, EVEN THOUGH PHONES DO NOT DO THAT ANY MORE

“We’re back with John Mayer.”

“Goddammit.”

1 Comment

  1. Mike & Gloria Gonna Be My Name

    November 2, 2016 at 12:43 am

    TotD delivers!

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