Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

iPhone 7 New Features

  • Dual front-facing cameras.
  • Quadruple rear-facing cameras.
  • Nine or ten cameras attached to the sides of the thing.
  • Customizable Home button, with Force Touch© and Finger Yes© technology.
  • Water-resistant.
  • Fire-retardant.
  • Earth-resettlement.
  • Air-revisionist, with Finger Yes© technology.
  • A new core, featuring A14 Jetdragon decaprocessors with 64 MB (Mondobytes) of storage.

Also, Apple has taken a shit on your lawn.

Wait, wait. Sorry. I read that wrong. They haven’t taken a shit on your lawn, they’ve removed the headphone jack so they could sell you $160 wireless earbuds that run on Bluetooth, which means they’ll work almost most of the time. I don’t know how I confused those two things; they’re nothing at all alike.


  1. And the fucking “airpods” look to be the same design as the corded earbuds that don fit anybody’s ears and are always in need of adjustment and reseating.

  2. Wasn’t there a movie called Airbud about a dog that plays basketball? Is that where they got the idea?

  3. Luther Von Baconson

    September 8, 2016 at 2:58 pm

    iPhone7 Schmyphone7

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