- Dual front-facing cameras.
- Quadruple rear-facing cameras.
- Nine or ten cameras attached to the sides of the thing.
- Customizable Home button, with Force Touch© and Finger Yes© technology.
- Air-revisionist, with Finger Yes© technology.
- A new core, featuring A14 Jetdragon decaprocessors with 64 MB (Mondobytes) of storage.
Also, Apple has taken a shit on your lawn.
Wait, wait. Sorry. I read that wrong. They haven’t taken a shit on your lawn, they’ve removed the headphone jack so they could sell you $160 wireless earbuds that run on Bluetooth, which means they’ll work almost most of the time. I don’t know how I confused those two things; they’re nothing at all alike.