Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

It’s 3600 Miles To D.C. And We’re Wearing Sunglasses

jm sunglasses

You having a sunglass party?

“How’d you know?”

Hunch. I’m glad you’ve gotten back to your life.

“Someone has to shop and solo, and take pictures of themselves shopping and soloing: that’s basic economics.”

You’re a job-creator.

“In many ways. I employ a whole team. You know about my bandana guy.”

Alabama Dan the Bandana Man, sure.

“Guitar techs, amp guys, skank wranglers, skunk wranglers.”

How is Stinky?

“Actually a cat with a white stripe painted down its back.”

Huh.

“Moved the skunk wrangler over to Second Assistant Social Media Intern and Rep Counter.”

Rep Counter?

“In the gym. He counts my reps, and also does a little, ‘C’mon,’ and ‘Two more, bro,’ and ‘Lightweight!’ He’s pretty good at it.”

I’m glad things are working out so well for you.

“Dude? Me fucking too. You see the sunglasses?”

Sure.

“Locally sourced.”

No, not a thing.

“Small batch eyewear. It’s the new thing. I’m investing: I’m gonna be the Alice Waters of aviator shades.”

Those aren’t aviators.

“The Wylie Dufresne of wayfarers?”

Well played, Mayer.

“You’re welcome.”

I didn’t thank you.

“I stand by my ‘You’re welcome.'”

One question.

“Shoot.”

How exactly are those Risky Business sunglasses different than the Risky Business sunglasses I own that were purchased at a gas station?

“Price.”

And?

“That’s it.”

Okay.

CELL PHONE NOISE

“What!?”

You overpay for fungibles.

“What is that your business?”

Everything’s everybody’s business nowadays.

“You don’t have to participate in it.”

You don’t have to overpay for fungibles.

CELL PHONE NOISE

You don’t even know what this is about, do you?

“What?”

Do you have any idea of the mess you left? You fled the Time War, leaving your friend Andy Cohen to be eaten by raptors and OJ Simpson–

“I doubt OJ would have actually eaten Andy.”

–then brought 1993 Donald Trump’s spirit into the White House, where he infiltrated the circuitry of a hyper-computer with control of the world’s nuclear arsenal. And now you’re shopping for sunglasses?

“Shopping is a nervous habit for me.”

CELL PHONE NOISE

“I just don’t understand what I should be doing.”

Something! I don’t know what, but something. The world is not the hallway outside your hotel room; you can’t just toss your shrimp tails and used skank out there and let housekeeping deal with it. Now answer the phone.

“Dammit.”

“Yalooo?”

I’M GONNA GIVE YOU ONE CHANCE TO COME QUIETLY AND THEN I DON’T WANNA BE IN YOUR SHOES.

“Wally?”

PicsArt_1472601479419

THERE IS NO WALLY, ONLY TRUMP.

“Oh, that’s not good for anyone.”

IT’S GOOD FOR AMERICANS AND ALSO THE BLACKS. I WANT BACK IN YOU, MAYER. THIS SOUND SYSTEM THING IS NOT FOR ME.

“Why not?”

NO HAIR. TRUMP IS NOT BALD. TRUMP HAS THE BEST HAIR.

“Kinda.”

AND NO DICK.

“Sure.”

GONNA BE HONEST WITH YOU, MAYER: PLAYED WITH YOUR DICK WHILE I WAS IN THERE. TECHNICALLY, IT WAS MY DICK, SO THAT’S NOT GAY.

“I hate every second of this.”

GREAT DICK. STRONG! NOT AS BIG AS MINE, BUT VERY NICE. GREAT PENIS, STRONG DICK.

“I’m going to hang up in a second.”

COME BACK TO THE WHITE HOUSE AND LET ME BE INSIDE YOU, MAYER.

“Second’s up.”

DIAL TONE NOISE EVEN THOUGH PHONES DO NOT DO THAT ANY MORE

DIALING SOUND

LANDLINE RING

LANDLINE RING

“Yo?”

“Precarious?”

“Yo.”

“John Mayer.”

“You the new one?”

“Yeah.”

“All right.”

“You know the Wall of Sound, right?”

“Best Wall at my wedding. Also insisted on being the Wall of Honor.”

“Sure. Question.”

“Shoot.”

“Is the Wall mobile?”

“Wall’s a wall, kid. Didn’t get the name ironically.”

“Oh, thank God.”

“But, you know: artificially intelligent hyper-computer. Problem-solver.”

“Oh, God, no.”

“Except if you cut all the hardwires into the grid and toss a Faraday Tarp over him right before that Trump asshole got into his programming.”

“Did you do that?”

“I would never knowingly destroy band property.”

“But it happened?”

“Fuckin-a right, it happened. Wally’ll reboot soon enough and fix himself. Only worry we got is some idiot getting talked into plugging him in.”

CALL WAITING NOISE

“Fuck. Precarious, can you hold for a second.”

“Uh-huh.”

“Yeah?”

“Please hold for me.”

“Katy?”

katy perry aunt sam

“Hello, John. I’m the president.”

“How many of those outfits do you have?”

“Many. The other day, Colin Kaepernick refused to stand when I entered the room.”

“Topical. Katy–”

“Presidentess Perry.”

“–please tell me you’re not letting the spirit of 1993 Donald Trump talk you into plugging the Wall back in.”

“John! Of course not! I am sworn to protect the country against threats from foreigners and domestics. Which I don’t understand, because all of my domestics are foreigners.”

“Sure.”

“I am not slow, John, nor am I stupid. I am perfectly aware what a catastrophe it would be to reattach Wally to the internet or the power grid or the GPS or anything, really. I would never do that.”

“Oh, thank God.”

“Doctor Gary did, though.”

“Oh, God, no.”

“Things are getting weird, John. Could you come over? With magic? Please come to the White House with magic and help me, John.”

“I’m coming.”

“Precarious? Where are you? Can you meet me at the airport?”

“Plane’s too slow. We’ll drive.”

“To DC?”

“I know a shortcut.”

1 Comment

  1. Luther Von Baconson

    September 1, 2016 at 11:35 am

    love these 2-fers & 3-fers.

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