Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

It’s All Such A Laugh

You know the song, of course you do, probably to the point of being a bit sick of it and preferring a deeper Alice cut–Ballad of Dwight Fry or something–but I have a question, Enthusiasts. (And the question is not “Who the hell would trust Alice Cooper with a fucking epee?” even though it really should be.) The item before us is this:

What the funniest line from a non-novelty song?

And I posted School’s Out because, though I’ve heard the tune thousands of times, “WE CAN’T EVEN THINK UP A WORD THAT RHYMES!*” still gets me. Maybe it’s the sheer joy in how dumb, D-U-M, the line is.

So–and bear in mind that I’m still asking you stuff even though you were absolutely no help with the chair/dog/Candyman thing–whatcha got? Remember: no Weird Al or Dr. Demento or any of that AV Club bullshit, plus no Frank Zappa just because I say so.

As always, leave your entries in the Comment Section and, as this is only an exhibition, no wagering.


*Rinseable, invincible (perfect); buildable, interval, pitiful, minimal (imperfect); fanciful, lanceable (not really); splinterful (not a word).


  1. And if California slides into the ocean
    Like the mystics and statistics say it will
    I predict this motel will be standing until I pay my bill

  2. “Something about the way you taste
    Makes me wanna clear my throat”

    Could be considered AV Clubbish but these dudes were as serious as a heart attack. I’ll always love Devo.

  3. not sure how exactly “funny” this line is – it’s more just that I totally hate it and think it’s a really weird line for grown men to have written:

    “Yes, I am nitty, gritty, and my shirt’s all torn,
    But I would love to spill the beans with you till dawn.”


    • Exile on Main street has some doozies, if you can figure out what they are saying..

      That said…

      And as much as I hate to win this so quickly..

      I give to you Kenny Rogers..

      “It’s hard to love a man whose legs are bent and paralyzed
      And the wants and needs of a woman your age, Ruby, I realize”

      Has anything so serious ever been said so ridiculously?

  4. “She ripped off her rancid poncho,
    and lay out naked on the floor
    We did it till we were unconcho
    and it was useless anymore.”

  5. NoThoughtsOnDead

    January 10, 2018 at 12:28 am

    “First time I saw you, you were Mr. Natural
    You seemed so diffident, you hardly spoke at all
    Now you come to me and you’ve got green streaks in your hair
    You walk like Greta Garbo, but you talk like Yogi Bear”

    • NoThoughtsOnDead

      January 10, 2018 at 12:32 am

      …by Al Stewart, who writes some novelty-type songs, but this one is seriously about someone hanging with rock stars and not having the backing.

  6. NoThoughtsOnDead

    January 10, 2018 at 12:30 am

    “By this time I got to looking for a kind of substitute
    I can’t tell you who I found, except that it rhymes with dissolute
    But my baby’s so lazy
    She is almost unable
    And it’s driving me crazy
    And her loving’s just a fable that we try with passion to recall”

    • NoThoughtsOnDead

      January 10, 2018 at 12:34 am

      All of “Here Come The Warm Jets” approaches this kind of silliness, so you might call it a novelty LP. But that first couplet is so sublimely witty AND dumb… it was the second thing that came to mind, after Garbo & Bear.

  7. We’re just knocked out.
    We heard about the sell out.
    You’re gonna get an album out,
    You owe it to the people.
    We’re so happy we can hardly count.
    Everybody else is just green,
    Have you seen the chart?
    It’s a hell of a start,
    It could be made into a monster,
    If we all pull together as a team.

    pink floyd has a lot of really clever lines that are funny but totally work. Pigs also has some funny stuff.

  8. Tie your Mother Down !!

  9. “Step into the tweezer breezer leisure seizure freezer,” or whatever the fuck it is Phish is yelling about.

  10. Oo-ee/Son of a B
    –Lou Reed

  11. Broken household appliance national forest
    Mud and metal mixing good

  12. She loves you, yeah yeah yeah.

  13. So much of rock & roll is novelty music, intentionally or not. From “a-wop-bop-a-loo-bop-a-lop-bam-boom” to “all in all is all we are”, but for my money nothing’s more (unintentionally) funnier than:

    I want to fuck you like an animal.

  14. I will never not find the premise, the delivery and most of the lyrics to Lawyers, Guns and Money pretty hilarious.

    Favourite line?

    “Send lawyers, guns and money,
    Dad, get me out of this”

  15. They searched my car
    Looking for the product
    Thinking every nigga is selling narcotic

  16. Look, I’ll pay you for it, what the fuck?

  17. Generals gathered in their masses,
    just like witches at black masses

  18. Luther Von Baconson

    January 10, 2018 at 10:58 am

    Is this what you wanted?
    You were Marlon Brando
    I was Steve McQueen
    You were K. Y. jelly
    I was Vaseline
    You were the father of modern medicine
    I was Mr. Clean
    You where the whore and the beast of Babylon
    I was Rin Tin Tin

  19. I pick you up late at night after work
    I said “lady, step inside my Hyundai”

  20. Last great American whale- Lou reed
    The last line…….
    Americans don’t care too much for beauty
    They’ll shit in a river, dump battery acid in a stream
    They’ll watch dead rats wash up on the beach
    and complain if they can’t swim
    They say things are done for the majority
    Don’t believe half of what you see
    and none of what you hear
    It’s a lot like what my painter friend Donald said to me
    “Stick a fork in their ass and turn them over, they’re done”

  21. Next upon a stool
    Is a sight to make you drool
    Seven virgins and a mule
    Keep it cool, keep it cool.

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