Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

It’s The Sam Old Sung



“Hai, bosu.”

“Why are you speaking Japanese?”

“We’re Samsung.”

“Samsung’s Japanese? Why did I think we were Swedish?”

“No idea, sir.”

“And what am I going to do with all these meatballs?”

“We could still eat them, sir.”

“We’ll use chopsticks!”

“Yes, sir. Japanese. Why am I in here?”

“Due to my beckoning, Jenkins. You’re the subordinate, which makes me the superordinate. I ordinated you to come in here.”

“I understood our relative statuses, sir. I was asking about the purpose of the conversation.”

“How often should phones explode, Jenkins?”

“Never, sir.”

“Is that a hard never, or is it more never-ish?”

“Neither of those are things, sir.”

“Never never?”

“Never ever never, sir.”

“You sure not mostly never, Jenkins?”

“You cannot modify ‘never,’ sir. It’s a binary concept, like pregnant.”

“Oh, no: are the phones getting pregnant, too?”

“No, sir.”

“Dodged a bullet there. Still exploding, though?”

“Yes, sir.”

“I agree with you, Jenkins: phones shouldn’t explode.”

“Glad we’re on the same page, sir.”

“But ours do, and now we have to sell them.”

“Oh, sir, no.”

“It’s a feature now, Jenkins.”

“Sir, please.”

“We’ll market it as an anti-theft device.”

“No one wants to steal these phones, sir.”

“What if we appeal to the nerd audience. Didn’t those Star Trek ships always have self-destruct buttons?”

“Buttons, sir. That activated a sequence that took the last ten minutes of the film. The self-destruct didn’t go off by surprise while the ship was in someone’s pocket.”

“You’d need awfully big pants to put the Enterprise in your pocket, Jenkins.”

“Eyes on the prize, sir.”

“Right! How do we turn the fact that our product spontaneously combusts into a selling point?”

“We don’t?”

“Poppycock, Jenkins! Defeatist balderdash dribbles from your slackened gob! Unslacken your gob, damn you!”

“Yes, sir.”

“Let’s just spitball: partnership with Marvel and call them Human Torch phones.”

“No, sir.”

“What if we call them X-treme phones?”

“No, sir.”

“Let’s sell them to ISIS.”

“That would be treason, sir.”

“We’re Japanese, Jenkins.”

“Then it would be 反逆, sir.”

“That sounds delicious.”

“We’re not selling anything to ISIS, sir.”

“There are no bad ideas in spitballing.”

“I know that’s the general guideline, sir, but ‘doing business with ISIS’ is an outlier of an idea.”

“Ah! What if we say it’s a stove? There’s already a camera and a phone and a recorder in there! Why not a stove?”

“I don’t know, sir.”


“You have another idea, sir?”

“No, my phone just exploded in my pocket!”

“Yes, sir.”


  1. Shinzo here,

    Why do you dishonor the nation of Japan with flaming phones from Korea?

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