hillary-begging-jay-z-beyonce

“PLEASE TELL THE BLACK PEOPLE TO VOTE FOR ME!”

“It doesn’t really work like–”

CELL PHONE NOISE

CELL PHONE NOISE

“Notorious HRC.”

“Please hold for the President, Madam Secretary.”

“Katy Perry?”

“The actual President, ma’am.”

“Gotcha.”

obaa-phone-cranky

“You’re killing me.”

“What did I do now?”

“Y’know, Sasha is a great kid. Real smart, outgoing, funny. Great kid. Not much of an athlete, but I would go to her soccer games and cheer her on as she tripped over her own feet, ran the wrong way, and sometimes just laid down on the field and took a nap. But I kept cheering her on. And, y’know what, Hill? I’m having deja vu.”

“Mr. President–”

“And what the fuck is this Satan nonsense?”

“No Satan.”

“Can’t be worshipping Satan, Hill.”

“No Satan. You’re the Satan.”

“You okay?”

“I told you that Katy Perry was here, right?”

“Sure. Sure.”

“She knows wonderful people. Do you know a guy named Doctor Gary?”

“Stay away from Doctor Gary, Hillary.”

“He made me a smoothie.”

“Do not let Doctor Gary make you a smoothie, Hillary.”

“I feel awesome.”

“Every day with you is a gift. Looking forward to the next four years if you win, or the next five or six months if you lose.”

“I’m not gonna lose, Mr. President.”

“Course not. You’re almost two whole points up on a tantrum-throwing rapist owned by the Kremlin. Hey, do you remember that rumor about how you were actually a man? God, that was sexist and awful, but I’m starting to believe it: I don’t know how someone fucks herself like you have without a dick.”

“It is only the smoothie keeping me from saying horrible things about you.”

“Oh, noooo. Please don’t mock my…what is there?”

“All the wars you oversaw after getting the Nobel Peace Prize?”

“Pssh. Like you ever saw a war you didn’t love.”

“Obamacare.”

“Millions more people signed up, companies can’t deny pre-existing conditions, and the only places it’s tanking are where the Republican governments have sabotaged it. Plus, you know: I got my crappy healthcare plan passed. Did you?”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“Gonna be co-president! What a heady time, the early 90’s. Remember how many swords you kept handing out? ‘Vast Right-Wing Conspiracy.’ Said that one on national teevee, back when that mattered. How’d that work out?”

“What!? There has been, is at present, and will continue to be a provable and documented concerted effort by the right to destroy me. I was right!”

“Ahhh I’m fucking with you, Hill. They really are out to get you.”

“Tell me about it.”