Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

I’ve Got Rand, But I’m Not A Rando

A banana’s shape is a warning, just like the neon colors on a poisonous frog. A banana is flat-out telling you, “You might as well jam me up your ass for all the pooping you’ll be doing after eating me. I, a banana, will make the pooping stop.”

If John Osbourne from Birmingham’s last name were instead “Bousborne,” he would have been known as Bozzy Bousborne, and it would have been ever harder to take him seriously.

80% of a nature documentary is the narration: the voice plus the writing. So, producers of Wildebeest Migration on Netflix, it was a good idea to hire the guy from Withnail & I , but a terrible one to give him puns to say. A bunch of lionesses took down a gazelle and then the male wandered over; Richard E. Grant actually said that he was going to get “the lion’s share” and then I turned off the television.

When the intercontinental railroad met in the middle–two teams had been working their ways inwards from the coasts–the occasion was marked by hammering in the last piece of track with a golden spike. Every history book tells us this.

What the books leave out is that gold is a terrible metal to make railroad spikes out of; it is a soft and malleable substance. Not two years later, the track came loose from the golden spike and derailed an entire train. 211 people died; the survivors wandered until they hit Utah,and that’s the story of Mormonism.

Radiohead erased itself from the innertubes this week. but once again the Dead did it first. Mickey did it by accident, but still: first.

Twitter was boring the other day and I found myself idly wishing a celebrity would die and I think the internet is turning us all into monsters.

Not only do humans not speak Binary, but human beings are incapable of speaking Binary; it’s not that we just haven’t gotten around to buying the Rosetta Stone course. The business of the entire world is now conducted in an essentially alien language. Don’t worry, though: we tell it what to do.

Humanity has become a mahout, perched atop its elephant, but here’s the difference: the mahout knows his commands are really just requests, and the elephant knows it, too.

Not us, though. We are in charge of our elephant; we have command and control; our elephant has no idea how big it is, and it will never figure it out. Hell, we invented our damn elephant.

Man’s creations have never turned against him before.

Donald Trump is a Situationist. Next supporter you meet, just say that Trump is like an orange Guy Debord; that’ll shut him up.

I have been drinking too many frappuccinos.
A week ago, I had one.
Several days ago, I had one.
A couple days ago, I had one.
Yesterday, I had one.

Language is a Time Sheath. Change a dependent clause, and you pick up the frappuccino and put it down in this day, or that month, or two weeks from today. Thumbs are handy, and walking upright is helpful, but language is the jackpot.

Not living underwater so we can use fire and create technology is the oft-overlooked third leg in the Pyramid of Human Awesomeness. (Language is the first; the thumbs and the walking upright are related, so they only count as one leg, and they’re the second.) Cuttlefish and octopus and whales and dolphins are smart, but they can’t create anything or pass down their knowledge; this precludes culture.

On the other hand, being human is such a pain in the ass that perhaps the cuttlefish and octopus and whales and dolphins made the right decision.


  1. Mushrooms must be up in Florida.

  2. There are 10 types of people in the world. Those who understand binary and those that don’t.

  3. Ok I admit as a fascinating character study the rando meme could be interesting , but, my god, the implications of being bless to post movies on these comment boards is unsettling. Meanwhile the culture orcas is fascinating. I just read on the longform app ( check it out,it’s amazing) . A great story about the new sea world president linking a deal with the humane society.
    Best story yet, friend of a friend went for a orca tour off v island and an orca ate a seal and was playing a game bouncing his head and bounced it into the boat on her lap! Much screaming and hilarity ensued.

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