Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Jam Band; Jam, Band

jm eddie vedder bonnaroo

“So, Eddie: I was thinking–”

“You can’t join Pearl Jam.”

“–what if I…okay.”

“Sorry, man.”

“Just throwing it out there.”

“If you don’t ask, you don’t know.”


“And, um–this is a bit awkward–Jeff Ament wants his hat back.”

“This is my hat, Eddie.”

“Please don’t make this weird.”

“I bought this at the Macy’s in Geneva. It cost 12 grand.”

“No, no. Jeff bought it at a flea market in Madison, Wisconsin. I was with him. We ate deep-fried cotton candy.”

“You can deep-fry cotton candy?”

“You can deep-fry anything if you’re American enough.”

“It’s my hat, Eddie.”

“C’mon, man. Gimme the–”

“Don’t you–”

“Just gimme Jeff’s–

“Get your hands off–”



“C’mon in. Hey, Oteil. What’s up?”

“Nothing much, Bobby. Um…our guitarist and Eddie Vedder are punching each other next door.”

“No, no: I’m our guitarist.”

“Our other guitarist.”



“That’s what that noise is? I figured it was Billy.”


  1. You can deep-fry anything if you’re American enough

  2. So there was this short lived food cart here in Portland –

    …this is a very Portland story just FYI…

    called the Side Cart and it just did sides – fries, and tots, and onion rings, and side salads and things too but mostly fries and fried things. It was a good idea except that the margin per transaction was like eight cents, so it didn’t last long.

    But while it did last their gimmick was a sign that said “WILL DEEP FRY ANYTHING”

    I think it was like $2 to $5 depending on what it was

    Mostly people brought obvious things, whether it was a snickers bar, or a green tomato…

    But so I’m in line at the Indian cart next door and this guy rolls up and smartasses right at em, clearly a line he’s been rehearsing since he thought of it:

    “Oh yeah well what if I bring you gravy?”

    And the guy working gave him the most savagely condescending 5% sliver of his attention and barely even bothered to reply: “we’ll deep freeze it first. No problem.”

    And then I got to watch the tapestry of emotions unfold across gravy smartass guy’s face…first, the realization that his attempted burn had just been pitilessly crushed in public…and then…and then… the mounting rage was replaced by a slowly dawning realization that he could ACTUALLY HAVE DEEP FRIED GRAVY

    it was clear he hadn’t wanted anything else in his life that much since he’d lost his virginity. He rushed off, and I’ve always wished I could’ve seen the next chapter.

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