18:00 – James Comey [hereafter referred to as JC] arrives WH. Ring bell for three minutes before maid answers door. Intoxicated. One shoe.
18:05 – POTUS arrives in bathrobe. Does his handshake thing.
18:10 – Tour of WH. Sounds of crying from behind four closets. POTUS misidentifies Map Room, Treaty Room, and Blue Room. At the Lincoln Bedroom, POTUS says, “You can jump on the bed if you want.” JC declines. POTUS reiterates. JC changes subject to electoral college. POTUS forgets about the bed.
18:15 to 19:00 – TV time. Special Report with Bret Baier. Guest is Charles Krauthammer. POTUS makes fun of CK’s face for entire show. Asks to have Flynn investigation dropped during each commercial break.
19:00 to 19:20 – JC sits on couch while POTUS scrolls through Twitter. POTUS says, “How about a selfie?” JC declines. Usher enters with cigarette dangling from mouth and shirt untucked. Refers to JC as a “too-tall dickweed.” POTUS cackles and slips usher a $20 bill.
19:20 – POTUS and JC to dining room. Waiter is African-American named Lionel Braithwaite. POTUS refers to LB as “Jackson” the entire meal.
19:21 – POTUS says, “I would like you to swear loyalty to me.” JC declines politely.
19:22 – POTUS suggests “we prick our fingers with pins and be blood brothers.” JC declines.
19:23 – Meatloaf.
19:30 – Door to kitchen swings open. Stove is engulfed in flames. LB is fornicating with the drunken maid.
19:31 – 19:55 – POTUS relates plot of 1981 comedy Stripes, but as if it had happened to him.
19:55 – Dessert. POTUS gets a banana split with six bananas and 12 scoops of ice cream. JC receives a slap in the face from LB. POTUS cackles and slips LB a $20 bill.
19:57 – POTUS enthuses about FBI director “J. Edward [sic] Hoover” and remarked on how the “very few people know that J. Edward [sic] was Herbert Hoover’s son.”
20:00 – POTUS and JC retire to WH Residence. More TV time. Tucker Carlson Tonight. There are three large men in Adidas track suits in the Residence. They are not introduced.
20:05 – POTUS says, “A person who’s gonna drop the Russia case says what?” JC does not fall for it. POTUS tries twice more.
20:10 – JC makes excuse to leave. POTUS begs JC to stay. Offers ambassadorship to “whatever country has your kind of snatch. Or cock, whatever, I don’t care what you’re into.” JC declines.
20:15 – On way out, JC observes WH press secretary Sean Spicer writing on Cabinet Room walls with what appeared to be his own feces. Language was some sort of Nordic rune or perhaps Sanskrit.
20:20 – Maid is dead in doorway. Now wearing both shoes.
20:22 – The government car used by JC is on blocks. All four tires stolen. JC retrieves briefcase from trunk and walks to the Metro.