Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

James Toback Gets Shown Around The Problem Attic

“What the fuck? Where am I? What is this?”

“Jimmy! Over here, buddy!”

“Harvey? Harvey Weinstein? What is this? Am I dead?”

“Only metaphorically.”

“I don’t understand, even though I went to Harvard. Am I in heaven? Hell?”

“No. You’re in the Problem Attic.”

“The what?”

“The Problem Attic. It’s where society hides all the stuff it’s embarrassed about. Lemme show you around. You hungry?”

“Yes. Is there anything to eat?”

“Just veal, foie gras, and ortolan. Oh, and whale. You want some bowhead?”

“I’ll pass. Harvey, I don’t belong here. That LA Times article was bullshit. You’re gonna tell me there’s something wrong with making a woman pinch your nipples while you hump her leg for a part in a movie? That’s why I got into the movie business!”

“Preaching to the choir, buddy. Oh, hey! Bill!”

“Is that–”

“Fleezum flozzum bwaaaaaaa.”

“–the Coz?”

“Yeah, he’s a great guy. You’re ever having trouble sleeping? Ask him for a dozey-daisey.”

“Dozey-daisey?”

“It’s what he calls his rape pills. Great guy.”

“Great guy. Is that the theory of eugenics?”

“It is. Good eye, Jimmy.”

“I went to Harvard.”

“Weird thing about the theory of eugenics is that it hasn’t been up here as long as you’d think. You want some candy?”

“Sure. What do they have up here?”

“M&M’s with the red dye that gives you cancer, or Ayds.”

“M&M’s that give you cancer or AIDS?”

“No, the diet candy Ayds.”

“Ah. Y’know, gimme both and I’ll let ’em fight it out.”

“Smart move.”

FAT MEN EATING CANDY NOISE

“Hey, Harvey. Is that Jimmy Saville?”

“Talking to Woodrow Wilson? Yeah.”

“Highly varied cast of characters. Is my good friend Mike Tyson up here?”

“For some reason, no.”

“That’s weird.”

“It is. Tell me if you want something to read. They’ve got every Orson Scott Card novel up here. Wonderful stuff.”

“The man has such an imagination. Are there any chicks up here?”

“Camille Paglia.”

“Oofah.”

“Yeah. Slim pickings. I’ve been making Ted Kennedy watch me jerk off into plants. Not as fun.”

“All of this sounds very depressing, Harv.”

“Here. Try one of these. Little pick-me-up.”

“What is it?”

“Thalidomide.”

“Eh. It’s not like I’m having any babies.”

FAT MEN EATING PILLS NOISE

“What’s there to do here?”

“Tons! There’s a bullfight every night, and the comedy club is just the best.”

“Comedy club?”

“Yeah. There’s a rumor that Louis C.K. is going to be headlining soon.”

“He’s a great guy.”

“Great guy.”

“So.”

“So.”

“You wanna sexually harass each other?”

“Sure. Me, first.”

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