Signs That Garcia Was, In Fact, Jewish:

  • Big bushy beard like a rabbi.
  • Sang for a living like a cantor.
  • Though I have no evidence to back this claim up, I am certain that Garcia preferred his French toast made with challah bread.
  • Jews are the Chosen People; Garcia enjoyed choosing things.
  • Garcia went to many Dead shows, which is a very Jewish thing to do.
  • Engaged in dialogue and made peace with Egypt.
  • Not a button nose.
  • Nor particularly athletic.
  • Could understand Bill Graham’s Yiddish instantly, like Harry Potter speaking the snake language.
  • (The snake language was called Parseltongue. I did not have to look it up, and I didn’t say it at first out of shame for knowing it. Stop looking at me that way.)
  • Sometimes in the middle of the night, Garcia would sit bolt upright in the chair he was already upright in and need a Dr. Brown’s cream soda.
  • Top two Garcia crushes: Kat Dennings and Lizzy Caplan.