Hey, Pope Francis. Whatcha doing?
“I’m-a kissing da Holy Belly. Oh, do I love-a da Jesus.”
Is this a Good Friday thing?
“I’m-a freelancing-a here. Not in-a da playbook. Don’t-a care. Gonna give-a Jesus da zerbert. THBBTHH.”
Please don’t zerbert Jesus.
“I’m-a da Pope. I do-a what I want to-a da Jesus. Maybe I-a pick this-a thing up, whack-a some nuns witta it.”
You would not do that.
“Nah. I no hit-a da penguinos They make-a me laugh. Old guy would-a hit-a da nuns.”
“Oh, sure. One nun he-a dropkick. Another he give-a camel clutch. We had-a to remove all-a da folding chairs from-a da Vatican.”
He would hit nuns with folding chairs?
“And-a da ref would-a never see it!”
I’m getting the sense that Benedict enjoys professional wrestling.
“He’s-a gotta da blog about it.”
Ew. Bloggers are the worst.
“Si. Plus, he-a orders da pay-per-view and-a charge-a my account.”
So let him get his own cable.
“Witta what money? He ain’t gotta no job.”
“Market is-a terrible for-a da ex-Popes.”
“Over-qualified for-a most-a things. Under-qualified for-a da others. I-a tell him to learn-a to code. No no-a do it.”
You have to help yourself.
“You can lead-a da Pope to water, but you can’t-a make-a him drink.”
Benedict sounds like a terrible roommate.
“He-a eats my food.”
Well, you gotta put your name on it.
“I-a did! I had-a half-a da meatball sub. I write-a ‘Pope’ on it. He-a eat it. I-a say, ‘Benny Why-a you eat my meatball sub?’ He say, ‘It-a said Pope on it. I-a thought it was-a mine.’ Can-a you believe-a da balls on-a him?”
It could possibly be an honest misunderstanding.
“He-a know what he doing. How-a hard is it to-a putta da toilet paper on-a da roll? Don’t-a just leave it-a sitting on-a da sink.”
That’s terrible, yeah.
“He-a borrow da Popemobile and-a bring it back witta no gas.”
Wow, that’s rude.
“This-a situation gonna come to-a da head soon.”
Please don’t get in a fight with the Pope, Pope.
“Fight? Pssh. C’mon-a witta dat. Pope don’t-a fight.”
“Gonna gaslight him.”
I look forward to hearing about it.
“Sure, sure. I-a tell you all about-a it. Just-a don’t tell nobody else.
Cross my heart.