Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Josh Meyer’s Big Break

“Oh, shit.”

“Oh, fuck.”

“Oh, shit.”

John, why is Bobby running around the room cursing?

“He can’t find Elvis.”



Elvis needs supervision at all times. He was alone literally once in his entire adult life and he ended up at the White House.

“Is that how that happened?”

Yeah. He ran away from home and flew around the country for a while by himself, and then decided to meet the president. He had his guys meet him in Washington.

“That’s amazing.”

It is. Why aren’t you helping Bobby find the King?

“You’re kidding me.”


“NOW you want me in the storyline.”

Desperate times, etc.



“Kiss my ass.”



“You have, like, one trick.”

But it’s a good trick. Answer the phone.


“Alpha Phi gala, John Mayer speaking.”

“John, have you seen Elvis?”



“Where are you?”

“Still in Cuba. Did you know the Spanish word for ‘marijuana’ is also marijuana? That’s called a cognate.”

“No, it’s a loanword.”

“Let’s not argue about the parts of speech. You haven’t seen him?”

“No. He was at the bar with ’89 Garcia, and now he’s not.”

“Is ’89 Garcia missing, too?”

“No, he’s onstage jamming with Elvis.”

“You said Elvis was missing!”

“The other Elvis.”

“Okay. John, this isn’t good. Elvis can’t be left alone. He’s a people person.”

“I don’t care. Someone I won’t name who’s a lonely weirdo didn’t want me in the storyline.”

“Be a team player, bro. Help out, okay?”


“Have you been to Cuba? It’s fuckin’ awesome. You know what they call Cuban sandwiches down here?”


“Yeah, sandwiches. No modifier.”

“Makes sense.”


“Benjy, I’ll call you back.”

“Find Elvis!”


“John Mayer, Sorority girl slayer.”

“What’s that now?”

“Nothing! Sorry, Bob. Just a joke.”

“Not a great one.”

“Where are you? I hear music. You’re not onstage. Wait. Where did Phil go?”

“Yeah, we ducked out for a sec. Can you find Elvis and also drive my wife–”

“Natasha Monster.”

“–home? Great. Good talk, Josh.”


“Oh, come ON!”

Hey, look: you’re in the storyline.

“I hate this universe.”

What if I told you that Hillary Clinton was president in it?

“Is she?”


“Fucker. Selfie!”



Ah. Just go find Elvis.

“I hate you.”

Understood. Hey, wait. Where’s Putin?

“Dude, he’s shitfaced and heckling ’89 Garcia and Wrong Elvis.”


“You suck, Jerry Grateful!”

Jesus. Is that Medvedev? Where’d he come from?

“Is my Charlie Hodge. Brings Putin scarves and water and dead journalists. Play Freebird!”

Of course you’re that guy. John?

“Oh, what?”

I need you to do the following things: number one, get Vladimir Putin out of Bobby’s daughter’s charity function; two, find Elvis Presley; three, steal all the time machines back from ’85 Phil. You are the storyline now, pal. Main character. All your show.

“I’m not wearing the right clothes.”

You’re never wearing the right clothes. Just do this. Be the hero, John Mayer. You’re the Garcia now.”

“Hey! I’m in the room, y’know!”

“Sorry, ’89 Garcia! John? Buddy? Can you do this one for me?”

“Again: ugh. And how am I going to help? You’ve never let me have the Time Sheath.”

Gotcha covered.


“You’re the man.”

I am.

“John Mayer, hero of the storyline.”

“Dynamic duo back in action, Hot Dog Dick!”


“Kim Jong Un got Time Hat. Find hillbilly in cape. Save world.””


“Take best friend on adventure through history.”


“Father invent history.”



  1. You have been productive tonight, and I am like 4 posts behind..

    So before I read those I see we are still at the red-dress party…

    And I have to wonder, does it include some wackiness between Josh and Monet.. because I mean that would make sense in a like mother like daughter like bobby like Josh sort of way, but it might cross a line.

    Do we not mess with the next generation until they are 25?

    • Thoughts On The Dead

      March 7, 2017 at 2:40 am

      Monet is an NPC. Grateful Dead children who aren’t Baby Levon and don’t make public appearances on behalf of the band seem like they should be left alone.

      • SmokingLeather

        March 7, 2017 at 4:17 am

        Baby Levon and Trixie and Anabel all seem to be treated with a great deal more respect then people who have chosen to be famous. Only fair to do the same for Monett.

        • Exactly right. If someone opts into the celebrity life, they’re making themselves a public figure. Having a famous dad shouldn’t condemn you to existence in The Storyline, though. IMO it’s a classy/proper move to leave them out.

          Trixie has been edging up to the public-figure line from time to time, but as long as my guy can keep his obvious adoration of her in reasonable check I think she’s safe, what with apparently being a basically sane and chill person and all.

  2. Luther Von Baconson

    March 7, 2017 at 11:22 am


  3. Luther Von Baconson

    March 7, 2017 at 1:17 pm

    Bobby’s got hisself a new git-fiddle?

  4. If you had a wider picture of Elvis and Jerry, you would’ve seen James Burton, the King’s guitar player. I think this was the Sweetwater gig. He may have been confused about which Elvis he played for, or the time machine took him to the wrong gig.

  5. Sooo. Jerry playing a Jazzmaster? Hipster.

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