Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Just Like She Usually Did


“While we cannot say with absolute certainty that the subject animal has been taken, we are confident that the evidence gathered shows it is very likely that one of the two females captured close to the attack location was the offending animal,” the report said. – “Alligator Seized Boy…in Disney” Buzzfeed, 8/22/16

“Where am I!? What happened?”

Hey, there. How are you? May I call you Allie?

“Because I’m an alligator?”


“That was as hard as you wanted to work on my name? ‘Allie?’ Really?”

Well, what is your name?


That’s lovely.

“Sure. Where am I?”

Do you see a gorilla?


Uh-huh. You’re in Famous Dead Animal Heaven, buddy. Getting awfully full up there this year.

“Sure. Okay. Did I miss a trial or something? My cousin and I get murdered and sliced open at the beginning of the investigation. Like: what if we were innocent?”

Reptiles don’t get the presumption of innocence.

“You say that so casually, that I have no rights.”

You don’t, and please don’t say Green–

“Green Lives Matter.”

–lives matter. There you go. Listen, the past is done with. You gotta make do. Besides, you ate a kid.

“A what?”

A kid. A human child. Humanity has progressed to the point where we know that killing an animal that hurts or kills a person is totally pointless, but we still do it. It’s a pretty strict rule, actually.


The tiger that ate Roy?

“Yeah. They didn’t put him down.”

Manticore’s one of, like, two dozen Siberian tigers on the planet. You’re a gator in Florida. Differing levels of expendability.

“You’re cruel, man.”

You ate a kid!

“A what?”

A kid.

“Do you mean a food? I ate a food.”

What kind of food are you talking about?

“There’s no kinds. Something is a food or a threat or a sex. That’s it.”

Okay, what did the food look like?

“Like it wasn’t paying attention. And delicious.”

Let’s try this: did the food fight back?

“All food fights back! That’s what food does!”

You’re being very difficult.

“Gee, I’m sorry. Maybe if you kill me and slice me open a couple more times, I’ll get all friendly-like.”

Wait, I got it: was the food different than you had had before? Was this new food? Did it taste weird or anything?

“Now that you mention it, there was a piquant oakiness to the finish.”


“You’re a shithead. I barely have taste buds. I saw a food that didn’t see me. I ate the food. That’s what I do, because I am an alligator.”


“Keep laughing. At least one of us got to leave Florida.”





  1. Luther Von Baconson

    August 23, 2016 at 3:55 pm

    where’s Jonathan Swift when we need him?

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