“Get in there, you little pussy.”

“Fuck you, Steve.”

“Listen, Kush–”

“Don’t call me that.”

“–that fucking tweet has been up for 58 goddamned minutes. This looks bad.”

“Everything’s fine.”

“It’s not. It’s a bad look for the commander-in-chief to leave a butt-tweet up for more than an hour.”


“It’s an hour. Get your big nose in there in grab that phone.”

“First of all: fuck you, you whiskey golem; second: why? It’s already up, and everybody’s taken screenshots of it.”

“You’re not actually very bright, are you?”


“It looks like he had a stroke on social media, shithead, and no one’s doing anything about it.”


“Check your Twitter.”

“Oh, no, that’s not good.”

“Not at all.”

“Steve, is Twitter just in America, or can the other countries see it?”

“All the countries, Jared.”



“You go in. He likes you.”

“He likes you better, Jared. That’s why he had you talk to the Russians for him.”

“Yeah. That really was an honor.”

“Uh-huh. An honor. Hey, where’s your wife? Send Ivanka in. He’d love that.”

“She can’t. She’s unclean.”

“What now?”

“We’re orthodox Jews, and so when Ivanka goes through her menses, she confines herself to a mikvah.”

“A mikvah?”

“A ritual bathing place. We bought one in Foggy Bottom. Nice townhouse.”

“Yknow, people ask me why I dislike the Jews, and I give them solid reasons like that bullshit right there, and then they call me an anti-Semite. Go figure. Get the fuck in there.”

“Oh, wait: there’s Eric and Donald, Jr. Hey, guys, we need you to do some work.”



“I didn’t know they could turn into bats.”

“They can.”

“Okay. Jared, go.”

“This is not that bad.”

“Jesus cotton-picking Christ, I can’t believe that I’m the voice of reason in this building. Get in there and delete that fucking tweet, you little twerp. Covfefe? What the fuck is that, Jared? What the fuck is that to leave the fuck up on Twitter for an hour and a fucking half when you’ve got the fucking nuclear codes? What do you think our enemies are saying right now? What do you think Russia’s saying?”

“I could call them and find out.”

“Just get in there.”

“Steve. Please. He sleeps in the nude. Above the covers.”

“Jared, do it for America. Do it for the brave young men at Valley Forge, and Chosan, and Manassas. Think of all this great, grand land of ours has done for you, Jared. Can you smell the flag? I can. Do it for Lincoln, Jared, and the preservation of the white race. We need to–”

“Excuse me?”

“–think of something more than…what?”

“White race?”

“My favorite.”


“Get in there, you little shit, or else.”

“Or else what?”

“I know about the office building in Ankara.”

“Do you think I should wake him up, or just try to grab the phone?”

“Add that decision to your portfolio. In ya go.”