Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Katy Perry Has Left The Building



“This is John Mayer, whose new album drops soon.”

“I don’t think you’re going to sell too many copies if that’s your ad strategy, John.”


“Just as in my semi-hit single, I have woken up in Vegas, John.”

“Underrated song.”

“And the video! It was great, John! I presented my boobies in so many different Vegas-themed ways: showgirl cleavage, tourist ta-tas.”

“It was a boob-heavy video, yeah.”

“My boobs are very heavy, John.”

“Physically or intellectually?”


“So, you’re in Vegas? Where are you?”


“I’m at the International, John.”

“No, Katy. That doesn’t exist any more.

“Yes, John. I have an enormous band and I’m playing three shows tonight. Everyone is smoking.”

“You are not Elvis, Katy.”

“It’s not so much a band as it is three or four bands. Great drummer, though.”

“Okay, let’s back up: you left Burning Man.”

“We flew out on the C-5.”

“Doctor Gary stole a C-5? Those things are massive.”

“I know! So roomy. I redecorated, obviously.”


“And as you know, Doctor Gary was concocting wicked potions up at Burning Man.”

“Okay. And?”

“You know how you can take a bunch of different leftovers and make a casserole out of them?”

“Oh, no.”

“Doctor Gary called them Doctor Nicks. He cried a little when he told us. Doctor Nick was his mentor, John.”

“I had sort of assumed that, but thanks for clearing it up. Then what happened?”

“Something. And now I’m Elvis. Come to my hotel suite wearing white cotton panties, John.”

“Sure, okay.”

“Do you have guns, John? I feel that guns are in order.”

“Aren’t your security guys armed?”

“Yes, but for some reason, they won’t give me their guns.”


“Bring me a badge, John. A shiny badge and also some popsicles.”

“I’ll stop at the store. Now I need you to bear down: where are you? Geographically, not psychohistorically. Think. Concentrate.”

“Maybe I should just come to you.”

“Good idea. Come hang out. I’m having fun.”

“Oh, no. Are you with more of your friends? Are they hippie friends? I liked your hippie friends, John. Or are they your douchebag friends?”



“Oh, sweetie.”


“Did the big one tell you his opinions? He has so many.”

“These guys are great! Hold on, they’ll do a trick for you over the phone.”

“I don’t get it.”

“Think of a card, any card.”

“Happy birthday, nephew.”

“Not a greeting card, Katy. Playing card.”

“You need to speak more specifically, John. I am now thinking of a card.”

“Okay. Katy, Penn wants to know if this is your card?


“That’s my card!”

“See? Not bad guys.”

“You still have to come to me, John. Find me.”

“I’m Elvis now.”



“Chicks, huh, man?

“You said it, Penn.”

“Ha! Good one, Teller.”


  1. If Elvis Elvis could be Nixon’s Drug Czar, Katy Elvis can become Transportation Sec.

  2. Mean, Green, Devil Eating Machine

    September 9, 2016 at 2:10 pm

    A Penn and Teller secret about their card tricks – they can tell the Queen of Diamonds by the way she shines. Yup, that is how they do it.

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