Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Law Come To Get You If You Don’t Act Right

“He had no criminal record … he was a good kid,” Martin County Sheriff William Snyder told reporters Tuesday, adding that Harrouff had no apparent relationship to his victims and that the attack seemed to be “completely random.”- “Florida College Student Kills Couple, Eats Victim’s Face, Officials Say” Buzzfeed, 8/17/16

“Good morning. My name is William Snyder, and I’m the Sheriff here in Martin County. I’d like to thank the press for coming, and I hope we can clear the air about some inaccuracies that have been levied towards me, and my comments from the other day.

“Obviously, when I said he was a good kid, I meant except for the face-eating. I won’t sugarcoat it: that young man messed up. Big time. This is the kind of thing that employers just don’t like to see, even if it was only once.

“This is a tragedy. For the dead couple, yes, but also for Mr. Harouff’s parents, Bob and Marsha, who did not raise him to eat any part of people, let alone their faces. A fraternity has lost a brother. A college has lost a scholar. Several young women have lost their future date rapist. Just going by gut instinct on that last one.

“Again, I have to emphasize what a fine young man Mr. Harouff was right up until that very second he sunk his teeth into two strangers’ faces in a Florida garage for absolutely no reason whatsoever. Throughout high school, he tutored the younger students in math; he was kind to animals; he was polite on social media. If you were to pick a day from his life at random, then statistically it will not be a day when he ate anyone.

“Our investigation continues, and any further inquiries should be directed to our office’s spokesperson, Officer Jenkins. Thank you.

“Why didn’t we shoot him? He was white, and we’re in Florida. No more questions.”


  1. Fucking bath salts

  2. Mean, Green, Devil Eating Machine

    August 18, 2016 at 1:01 pm

    This is the second case, that I recall, of Florida Face Eating in recent years. Aren’t you supposed be keeping things under control there, TOTD?

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