Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Legitimate Reasons To Spend Five Hours In A Movie Theater

  • Shoah.
  • Simulcast of the Bayreuth Festival.
  • You’ve been promised a sum of money to do so, and have judged that sum to be adequate recompense for your time.
  • Some sort of maniac has sewn you into your seat.
  • Air conditioner at home is broken.
  • Got fired three weeks ago, but haven’t figured out a way to tell your wife, so you spend your days watching movies and crying in the darkness.
  • Some sort of maniac stole your legs.
  • If there was a bomb and the movie theater had to stay above 50 miles an hour or something: one of those scenarios where if you left the auditorium, bombs would go off. That kind of thing is a very good reason to remain in a movie theater for five hours.
  • K-hole.
  • Satori.
  • Really hated a fruit fly and wanted to waste 30% of her life.
  •  Some sort of maniac is standing in front of you, just a maniac standing in front of a boy, and asking for a shot at love.
  • And no matter how good a talker that maniac is–and most maniacs are great talkers–do not fall in love with any sort of maniac. There’s a reason they’re called maniacs. You can have a room full of lunatics, weirdos, nutjobs, fruitcakes, wackadoos, screwy Louies, or even plain old crazy motherfuckers and have a lovely afternoon; when a maniac shows up, someone’s going to the hospital or jail.
  • Do not fall in love with maniacs. They will maniac you.
  • The movie theater is the last refuge against zombies.
  • The movie theater is the last refuge against draculas.
  • The movie theater is the last refuge against terrordactyls.
  • Fell asleep.


  1. Sometime in the late 70’s the student union at a local college had a sci-fi movie marathon. It was in a grand old theater next to campus. I was thirteen or fourteen and had a blast. I still remember scenes from some of the flicks, the sleeping bags we threw down in the lobby and the college guys in the row behind me smoking their roaches. The students had the run of the place – there were no ushers, no security, and no problems – just a bunch of people enjoying their youth. A year or two later and I was hitchhiking to shows and enjoying much the same communal spirit. I guess the point is that I can’t imagine a Dead show in a modern Lowe’s theater, surrounded by people I don’t know, and barely able to tap a foot much less dance. Are we supposed to whisper? Gimme my own living room or a bar with my buddies! Five hours in a theater chair and no one can light up? There’s a reason why the boys played halls with the chairs removed from the floor.

    • But if there’s one thing to remember about the old guys it’s this – they’re not exactly organized, concrete thinkers. There’s been plenty of huge arrangements they’re dicked up. But despite the propensity for management disasters – on stage they know exactly what to do – it’s where they’re at home and happiest. Even a lackluster show was better than anything else out there.

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