Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Lesser-Reported Additions To The Tax Bill

  • The Alternative Minimum Tax is now starting at second base after the Regular Minimum Tax pulled his groin.
  • All museums to be burned for fuel and/or sold to the Saudis.
  • IRS defunded, employees lined up and shot.
  • Super Guantanamo.
  • Two new aircraft carriers. (McCain doodled one on the bill, complete with a jet taking off and a sound effect VROOM, and then wrote “X 2” next to it; his distinguished colleagues voted Aye, and that’s how a bill becomes a law.)
  • Each Koch brother allowed to kill ten (10) hobos a year.
  • Graduate students now disallowed from deducting their student loans, forced to work the sorghum fields.
  • Yellowstone National Park to become Yellowstone-A-Lago; Old Faithful is one of the traps on the 11th hole.
  • Public schools declared enemies of the state.
  • Estate tax repealed; the Republicans called it the Death Tax, and they also repealed the Life Tax, so now we’re basically back to a pre-industrial theory on taxation.
  • Instead of insurance, the United States will now depend on a process referred to as a “cripple cull;” the phrase appears in an unknown handwriting in the final bill, and no one has fessed up but everyone’s pretty sure it was Inhofe.
  • Work-related expenses no longer deductible for anyone except company owner, unless it’s a small business, in which case fuck you.
  • Christmas presents stolen in the night by vengeful green mutant.
  • Japanese people have to go back in the camps. (I swear to you that’s in there. It’s written in pencil, and below that is an exceptionally racist cartoon of a man with Asian features behind bars.)
  • If you fail to acknowledge and make way when a Billionaire passes you on the street, then your life is forfeit; the Billionaire may take you as his property, to use or make barter with, or simply kill you on the spot.
  • Internet sold to Meyers-Squibb for $1.

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