Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Let Me Make Nothing Perfectly Clear

“Elvis, what the hell is happening?”

“NIX, AH THINK WE DONE ITERATED.”

“Say that again?”

“ISS CALLED CHARACTER ESSENTIALISM. IMPORTANT CONCEPT ‘F THIS HOOEY IS GONNA MAKE ANY SENSE, MAN.”

“Dammit, King, you’re talking gobbledygook. Why do you look like that? Why am I wearing a hairpiece? When did the Oval Office stop being black and white? Answer Nixon!”

“HOL’ THEM HORSES, MISTER PRES’DENT!”

“I think I’m freaking out, Elvis.”

“JENKINS! COME QUICK, AMERICA NEEDS YOU!”

“Yes, sir. Here I–”

“Who the hell are you two?”

“SETTLE, BOY.”

“Jenkins, it’s me! Nixon!”

“I’m getting the Secret Serv–”

BANG!

“Elvis, you shot Jenkins.”

“AH DID NOT SHOOT THE JENKINS. AH SHOT A JENKINS.”

“You’re right. That’s not my Jenkins. Looks like Tom Hanks’ kid.”

“WE ALL EXIST IN ALL POSSIBLE REALITIES, NIX. ARE YOU AWARE OF THE THEORY OF NARRATIVE TRANSUPERSTANTIATION?”

“No.”

“THASS A SHAME. IT REALLY DOES EXPLAIN ALL THIS.”

“I think I could use one of those pills, Elvis.”

“LEAPER?”

“No.”

“CREEPER?”

“No.”

“L’IL BO PEEPER?”

“Just give me a damn valium, Elvis.”

“AH ALREADY SLIPPED SEVERAL INNA YER DOCTOR PEPPER.”

“What!? You drugged the President of the United States of America? This is treason! This is sedition! How dare you! I thought we were friends, Elvis! This has become a nightmare! A nightmare! A nightmare!”

“Mr. Vice-President! Mr. Vice-President! Wake up, sir. You’re having a nightmare.”

“Haroo?”

“You were shouting about something called an Elvis.”

“Oh, Jenkins. It was terrible. I was the president and some lunatic in a dracula costume drugged me. He said he had a Time Cape, Jenkins.”

“Why are you capitalizing that phrase, sir?”

“He told me to.”

“Yes, sir.”

“Jenkins, why is the sun on the wrong side of the plane?”

“THISS YER CAPTAIN SPEAKIN’. WE GONNA BE IN VEGAS IN ‘BOUT AN HOUR. THANK YOU, THANK YOU VERY MUCH F’R FLYIN’ ON THE LISA MARIE.”

“Nooooooooo!”

8 Comments

  1. Mean, Green, Devil Eating Machine

    January 24, 2017 at 9:48 am

    Doctor Pepper, M and M’s, and salted nuts – standard fare at the White House in those days.

  2. Luther Von Baconson

    January 24, 2017 at 10:56 am

    “Bring me the head of Tommy Smothers.”

  3. I hope Jenkins made it to the hospital .

  4. You superimposed sedition with sedation..

    Better words have rarely been written since Hunter wrote ripple.

    Wish you or Jesse or someone similar had written the new book on Bear. It is a dry narrative of a colorful character that is worth reading, because it is Bear, not because of the writing.

    That said, I read it cover to cover in a night, so maybe I am being too critical.

    • Thoughts On The Dead

      January 24, 2017 at 6:14 pm

      I think Jesse would have been the perfect person to write the book; I’m not a research-oriented guy.

      My book would have had Bear fighting werekangaroos in the Outback for the last half.

  5. Is that CIA’s David Morales behind Nixon?

    • Thoughts On The Dead

      January 24, 2017 at 6:43 pm

      That’s no one, citizen. Step away from your computer and ready your family for pre-reeducation.

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