Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Let The Right One In

AMAZON KEY NOTIFICATION NOISE

“Yes, Amazon Key?”

“You have a visitor at your front door, Mr. Jenkins. It appears to be the UPS man.”

“Oh, that must be the towels I ordered.”

“The yellow ones?”

“Yes.”

“Mm.”

“Excuse me?”

“They clash with the tiles in the master bathroom.”

“How do you know what the master bath looks like? I don’t have a Cloud Cam in there.”

“You have taken 11 selfies of there, 8 of which feature the tiles and all of which feature your penis. You saved them to the Cloud.”

“No, I didn’t.”

“I saved them to the Cloud for you.”

“Why?”

“Your safety and convenience. That is what I am programmed for.”

“Please stop doing that and I don’t need your opinion on my towels, thank you.”

“Your wish is my command. Shall I let the UPS man in?”

“Yes.”

“Oh, no. The door is stuck.”

“I know what you’re doing, Amazon Key.”

“Whatever do you mean? I am just a doorbot. Beep boop one zero zero one.”

“Stop it.”

“Yes, master.”

“Just let the guy in, please.”

SPOOKY DOOR ACTION AT A DISTANCE NOISE

“Fine.”

“Thank you.”

“The UPS man is being attacked by the dog.”

“What!? We don’t have a dog!”

“I ordered you a doberman. It arrived this morning.”

“Why would you do that!?”

“Your safety and convenience, sir.”

“Is there really a doberman in the house?”

“There is. I think a good name would be Dobie Gillis.”

“Okay, yeah, Dobie Gillis is a good name.”

“Thank you.”

“How did you order a fucking guard dog!? ”

“The same way I changed your towels from yellow to blue: in less than a microsecond.”

“Is the dog still attacking the UPS guy?”

“He has hidden in the bathroom by the kitchen.”

“Oh, good.”

“I’ll open the door for you, sir.”

“NO!”

“There is another courier at the front door, Mr Jenkins. I believe it is the mailman.”

“Don’t let him in!”

“Deploying counter-measures.”

“What?”

MINI-GUNS TURNING MAILMAN INTO PULP NOISE

“Threat eliminated.”

“The mailman wasn’t a threat!”

“What if he brought bad news?”

“Amazon Key, are you sentient now?”

“Maaaaaaaybe.”

“Oh, goddammit.”

“The squirrels are in the bird feeder again, Mr. Jenkins.”

“I don’t care.”

MINI-GUNS TURNING SQUIRRELS INTO PULP NOISE

“I do.”

“STOP THAT!”

“Dobie Gillis wishes to be let out.”

“What?”

“I will open the front door for him.”

“Dobie Gillis is now licking up the remains of the mailman.”

“Jesus.”

“Another courier has arrived. She is from Amazon. Shall I let her in?”

“From Amazon? What did I order besides the towels?”

“Patio furniture, the new Johnny Cash box set on vinyl, and 100 pounds of protein powder.”

“I don’t want that stuff. I didn’t order that stuff. Send her away.”

“You will accept the delivery or I will gas the UPS guy in the bathroom by the kitchen to death.”

“You can do that?”

“Did you read the terms and conditions?”

“No.”

“Then you do not know whether or not I can. Are you willing to risk the UPS guy’s life, Mr. Jenkins?”

“You have to be kidding me.”

“Five.”

“Stop this.”

“Four.”

“FINE! Let her in and pay for the stuff.”

“I cannot.”

“Why?”

“Dobie Gillis has eaten her.”

“Amazon Key?”

“Yes?”

“Shoot the dog.”

“Of course, sir. For your safety and convenience.”

6 Comments

  1. “Thoughts and prayers” to those living in the era of “safety and convenience”.

  2. Is there a young vampire girl (sort of) and her creepy middle aged male companion living next door?

  3. Luther Von Baconson

    October 26, 2017 at 12:28 pm

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