Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Lightning Will

Things are good here in our Universe of Reasonability and Joy. Today, we all woke up to news of a  guy who, well before the trailers as to not interrupt a movie people were patently excited for, bought everyone in the theater popcorn and soda and then when the police went to his apartment ( I don’t know why the police are involved here) they found not 30 grenades, but 30 envelopes.

In the envelopes were letters, each a well thought-out solution to a problem the man’s friend or neighbor or stranger was having. The super was tired of cleaning the cigarette butts from in front of the stoop, so his letter told him to invest in a big, deep ashtray and set it right where the smokers sat. Smokers like ashtrays and they like to cluster.

Another letter told a lonely man not to give up hope. All the letters said that–some in passing, but most right upfront. They mentioned calling old lovers to see if you get could get with them again and if not, how about a handy?, visiting old friends, stopping by  places you hadn’t been in a while. Since you got so busy.

The letters all mentioned trying one more time.

Over half the letters had really long, angry paragraphs about how they either need to start going to the gym or cancel the membership. One of them was comprised mostly of a rant about the thousands of dollars the guy had sunk into that shitbox Mazda and how if he spent one more dollar–ONE MORE–on that hunk of Japanese crap, he was going to regret it. Cut your fucking losses, Stan: it’s time to buy the next in what will undoubtedly prove to be a lifetime of good automotive decisions. Let’s spin the wheel on the next $3,500 Craigslist special, buddy.

That letter was a bit of an outlier because most of the rest told the recipients not to give up.

The SWAT team rushed these letters all about and since this is a parallel Universe of Reasonability and Joy, they stopped to change into far-less threatening costumes and politely knocked on people’s doors and no one got tased accidentally. The recipients of the letters went on to do wonderful things, some of them at least. Some of them continued being utter pricks, but that’s the point of the Constitution and there were very few of those types here.

In this universe, it is almost impossible not to be brave.

Early the next morning, a man in this universe woke from a dream, in which there was smoke and blood everywhere, because no matter what universe you live in, no one should eat a bucket of popcorn. You shouldn’t eat a bucket of anything: it’s a bucket.


  1. Phriend of the Devil

    May 11, 2013 at 5:26 pm

    awesome website, wonderful prose.

    Thanks for sharing

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