Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Live On The Ground In Alabama

It is a titch after 8:00 pm EST (or maybe EDT, I don’t know and I don’t care) here in Birmingham, Alabama, and Thoughts on the Dead is LIVE outside a polling place/Steak & Shake. The race between Roy Moore, who likes to fuck on children, and Doug Jones, who is not an admitted pederast, has come down to the wire because 2017 is a nightmare from which the human race is unable to wake.

I have a One-Man Mobile Uplink unit I borrowed from a guy who doesn’t need it any more, and let’s see if we can talk to some Alabamians who’ve just voted. Sir? Sir, may I ask you a few questions?

“Of course.”

What’s your name?

“Alan Foar.”

Hello, Mr. Foar. Can you tell me who you voted for today?

“Oh, I didn’t vote. I’m a reporter from the Alabama Times. Would you like me to pontificate on what the turnout might mean?”

Absolutely not. Get away from me. Let’s find someone else. Ma’am? Ma’am, can I have a moment of your time?

“Sure you can.”

What is your name and who did you vote for?

“My name is Katy Tur, and I didn’t–”

You’re done. Thank you, Katy. Nice glasses. Is anyone here an actual voter?

“I am.”

Oh, great. Sir, what’s your name?

“I’m Delroy Watkins.”

And are you a reporter or do you live here?

“Lived here all my life. Never left Alabama ‘cept for a couple years in the Navy.”

Wonderful. And who did you vote for today, sir?

“I didn’t vote for nobody cuz those cracker motherfuckers suppressed my motherfuckin’ vote.”

That’s terrible!

“No, son. What’s terrible is my utter lack of surprise.”

Yeah, I guess.

“I’m gonna walk away from you. I ‘pologize for my rudeness, but I can’t take the sight of any more white motherfuckers today.”

Would it help if I told you I’m Jewish?

“Not especially.”

Sure. Thank you, sir.

“Kiss my black ass.”

Yes, sir.

“Excuse me, did you say you were Jewish?”

Um, yes. Who are you?

“My name is Bernie Bernstein, and I work–”

NO. You are Fake Jews.

“On the first night of Hanukkah, you treat me this way?”

Get out of here!

“Potchen mein tuchas.”

Yeah, yeah. Sir? Sir, can I speak with you?


Hi there. Can I ask your name?

“Bobby-Bob Fungus, the Third.”

Hello, Mr. Fungus. Would you like to share with my audience your feelings on the election?

“Well now, I been studyin’ up on them issues an’ whatnot and somesuch. Man’s gotta do his homework. Politics is too dang important to be votin’ based on nonsense an’ personalities. But sometimes you gotta take inna consideration outside factors. And, welp, I have young daughters.”


“And, shee-it, me an’ their momma would love for ’em to find a man like Roy Moore. Thass a good Christian right there.”


“Yeah! Jesus! Roy’s tight with th’ man upstairs. I got two li’l ones, sweet as tea: Britney and Jamie-Lynn. Now, Britney’s 13, so she’s rarin’ t’ go. Jamie-Lynn is only 8, but she’s an early developer. All the girls ’round us is since they opened up that benzene factory upriver.”

Okay, great.

“Th’ Judge is gonna make our daughters great again.”

Uh-huh. Good talking to you. Oh, here’s someone to interview. Giant anthropomorphic hot dog! Over here!


Who did you vote for, giant living hot dog?


Well, there you have it, Enthusiasts. Remember: for all your news needs, tune in here to Thoughts on the Dead.


  1. The Central Shaft

    December 12, 2017 at 11:36 pm

    Katy Tur is a stone cold fox.

  2. I can’t believe it.

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