rando-hottie-jerry-picture

What happened to the bottom of your shirt?

“Tussle with a fancy puma.”

Who won?

“Fashion.”

Tell me of your dreams.

“A staircase with a too-low overhang, and then I run too slowly, so I drop to all fours like an animal, grabbing at the grass in front of me to gain traction and build speed. Sometimes dirty stuff.”

Can a man pull off pigtails?

“No, but a rock star can get away with them.”

How soon is now?

“To a hummingbird or a boulder?”

Boulder-sized hummingbird.

“Not possible.”

Hummingbird-sized boulder.

“That’s just a rock.”

Who wrote the book of love?

“The girl with a window for a face. She carved her own pencil out of a crying jag, and gave the world boners.”

Like in The Natural.

“Just like that, yeah.”

Wait, are those aviators on the top of your head?

“Yes.”

I love you.

“You have a thing about aviator shades.”

I do.

“I think you might just want to fuck the sunglasses.”

I might.

“Gross. And if you’re hitting on me, I’m married with a baby.”

Are they with you?

“Right over there.”

rando-flying-baby

You’ve got to be fucking kidding me, dipshit.

“DON’T TELL ME HOW TO RAISE MY CHILDREN! MY FATHER, CAPTAIN FUCK, DID THIS TO ME AND MY BROTHER!”

Dude.

“WE TURNED OUT FINE EXCEPT FOR MY BROTHER WHO DIED AS A BABY FROM BEING DROPPED!”

I don’t know what I did to deserve this.